Oh my god, hi!! I am SO sorry to do this, but we have your wife Jenna, and if you don’t pay us $20 million in unmarked bills by tomorrow night, we are gonna have to kill her. So sorry about this!! We are a group of private individuals who disagree with your amoral business practi … | Continue reading
Tim Walz is America’s dad. George Washington is America’s father. Pedro Pascal is America’s daddy. Jimmy Carter is America’s “one that got away.” Stanley Tucci is America’s second husband who breathed new life into America as America was picking up the pieces after America’s divo … | Continue reading
I was busy working (scrolling Instagram) when an ad for this product caught my eye. The promo page contained an alarming amount of content about a fictional merger (“THE MERGER”) between Peanut Butter Group and Chocolatey Corp to create a company playfully nicknamed “PBC.” The we … | Continue reading
“A former Yale Law School classmate and friend [of J. D. Vance] has shared about 90 of their emails and text messages… the emails add to an existing body of evidence showing how Mr. Vance pivoted from a strong opponent of former President Donald J. Trump to his running mate. They … | Continue reading
“Is My Cat a Prisoner? And Other Ethical Questions About Our Pets.” — Headline from The Cut’s recent Pet Ethics issue. - - - “Is It Bad That I Stopped Loving My Cat After I Buried Him in the Mi’kmaq Burial Ground, and He Came Back Wrong?”1 “Am I Forcing My Dog to Rescue My Son fr … | Continue reading
Let us go then, youse and I… Do I dare Distoib the universe? In the room the women come and go, Talking of Larry, Curly, Moe… I have measured out my life with coffee spoons… You knucklehead! That’s not coffee—it’s gunpowder! And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and s … | Continue reading
The hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars used to build this new stadium will benefit everyone in our city, as long as they own the stadium and the billion-dollar sports team playing inside. The stadium will be a community space enjoyed by all who can afford a $175 ticket and … | Continue reading
- - - Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, QAnon, Fox News, etc., etc., etc. have kidnapped the last century of intellectual thought and philosophical investigation: poststructuralism, quantum physics, deconstruction, the current “crisis” in “nonfiction”-journalism- med … | Continue reading
“As the budget process progressed, updated revenue projections showed that many of the cuts weren’t needed. Both fiscally conservative and liberal good government groups and the Independent Budget Office said City Hall’s revenue projections were inaccurate. But the mayor ordered … | Continue reading
Mike Evans, WR A lot of times it happens on Labor Day. I’ve heard that from tons of guys and that’s usually how it is for me. Around Labor Day anyways. It’s like a draft. I think the “owners” even call it a draft. I’ve already been drafted before into the NFL. But this… this is n … | Continue reading
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What is camp? Well, it’s a vision. It’s unmistakable. It’s sharing a bunk with seven other girls and having a rotating schedule of who the entire bunk has decided to hate this week. Camp is big. It’s brash. It’s more often than not “Hate Katie” week. Camp is a way of seeing the w … | Continue reading
Republicans continue to lob various attacks at Kamala Harris. Which of these accusations have they made, and which are still to come? 1. Opposes saying “Merry Christmas” 2. Popular in Hollywood 3. Has fingers 4. Is hiding from the press 5. Lip syncs all of her speeches to a backi … | Continue reading
“X filed a lawsuit on Tuesday against the Global Alliance for Responsible Media, a coalition of major advertisers, claiming that it had violated antitrust laws by coordinating with brands to dissuade them from spending money on the social media platform.” — New York Times - - - A … | Continue reading
There’s a dreamy and appealing naturalism to Alan Felsenthal’s elegy, Hereafter. The poems are electric and vivid, but the book never romanticizes suffering. Voices in these poems have a sadness to them, a melancholy that retains some almost mystical buoyancy. But never treacly. … | Continue reading
“America now has a choice between the former president’s nightmarish vision of national decline that only a strongman can fix and Harris’ optimistic vow that America is still a land of aspiration. But that dichotomy also points to a huge risk for Harris. Running a campaign rooted … | Continue reading
EYES: Not to brag, but we were among the first to go. We’ve required glasses or contact lenses for decades. STOMACH: Eyes said that? No, I was definitely the first—not to mention the worst. EYES: I guess I started to act up around the same time as Stomach. That was quite a year. … | Continue reading
Scientists largely agree that Earth is in the midst of a sixth mass extinction, so we will be called upon to say goodbye to animals with increasing frequency. Unfortunately, the average American knows pitifully few ways to do so. If you ask anyone on the street, their list will l … | Continue reading
Dear Children: All my real estate, savings, and tangible assets are to go to all of you, and if you don’t want them, to Goodwill or the thrift shop. Or just find someone who looks like they need them. Some things that don’t look like much are more valuable than you might think, l … | Continue reading
I understand she’s wonderful. I have no serious critiques. My only concern is… is she electable? I know she’s a fantastic communicator. Every clip of her I see, I’m blown away by her knowledge, poise, and warm meme-able laugh. I just worry about what others think of her. Not ever … | Continue reading
Shakespeare! Neither before nor since has there been a man with such mastery of words and humanity. It is the bedrock upon which the foundation of modern literature is comfortably perched. Most importantly, it’s something I fully comprehend, even though I choose not to explain my … | Continue reading
A 2023 Column Contest grand-prize winner, Laurence Pevsner’s Sorry Not Sorry investigates why we’re sick of everyone apologizing all the time—and how the collapse of the public apology leaves little room for forgiveness and grace in our politics and culture. - - - Around the worl … | Continue reading
Please help me. I’ve accidentally become the perfect choice to be Kamala Harris’s running mate. And I really, really don’t want to be VP. Last week, I had everything going for me: I am white male middle-aged governor of a crucial battleground state, have a 72 percent approval rat … | Continue reading
A Rock: Feel how solid it is. How smooth. How heavy. Like, really heavy. Good lord. Was your kid lugging it around all week? Is this the burden we all bear—lugging around rocks that we thought, for just a fleeting moment, were special? What rocks in our own backpack can we unload … | Continue reading
I receive my Call to Adventure in the form of a text. It is not from a real person. It states that a prescription beginning with INS is ready. The Call to Adventure comes at an inconvenient time. I am inhabiting my Ordinary World, which means I am having a snack and don’t have pa … | Continue reading
You know, I wouldn’t say this to just anyone. I’m not one to gam and gossip around the old grog-cooler. But I know you’re a good New England boy working your hardest to crew this vessel just like me, so let’s talk straight. Be honest: Have you noticed the harpooners getting a lit … | Continue reading
1. Cash In Hand 2. Robb Bank$ 3. Bryson Tiller 4. Quincy B 5. Toto Jr. 6. Jagerbomb 7. Ghostemane 8. Bluetooth OLD 9. Wifisfuneral 10. Blueface 11. Zatchmo 12. Tiffanys Diamond 13. Ugly God 14. Russ 15. Wendy 16. Marcy Mane 17. Greek Air 18. Hit Plus 19. Eclips 20. The Real Melad … | Continue reading
American: I am out of the office between 10 p.m. and 4 a.m., I am so, so sorry. European: I am out of the office from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. (for tapas). - - - American: I am in the bathroom, and will respond to your email from the toilet. European: I am taking my government-mandated … | Continue reading
“The bid to bring the Summer Olympics to Boston in 2024 fell apart nine years ago… Many community leaders and residents were supportive of the idea, and some expressed disappointment when the bid was canceled.” — The Boston Globe, 7/24/2024 - - - Rotary Cycling No Blinker Merging … | Continue reading
Replace all Department of Education employees with sunglass-wearing dudes filming themselves ranting in pick-up trucks. Abolish DEI hiring policies and ensure jobs are only given based on nepotism. School children will start every morning reciting the pledge of allegiance and/or … | Continue reading
1. I’ve put this body through a lot. 2. I’ve done the same routine over and over for years. 3. I wear a nerdy windbreaker. 4. One of my most important goals is getting as much gold as possible. 5. People suspect I’m a different age than I say I am, but no one’s been able to prove … | Continue reading
Support for WNYC is brought to you by: It Needs More Lemon. Taste this chicken for me, will you? It’s missing something. Yep, more lemon. Okay, taste it again. Better? Use code MORELEMON at checkout for 50 percent off your first order. Wait, now it’s missing salt. Support for WNY … | Continue reading
We are thrilled to announce our upcoming season, which absolutely must dig us out of the red or it will be our last season! But no one is stressed, because ART! We are excited to share this rich and extremely safe collection of shows with you, our patrons. Hurry now to order your … | Continue reading
Hey, I’m the manager of the restaurant you’re dining at, and— just a quick heads up— it looks like you ordered the only dish on our menu that comes on a different type of plate. How fun is that? Before you ask, yes, it’s flamboyant—excessively so. Yelp reviews have described this … | Continue reading
(Click here for a refresher on the tragic events of the “Larger Than Life” video.) - - - I won’t sugarcoat it, boys: I’m incensed. We pulled you out of cryosleep after a millennium because we’d heard that, back in A.D. 1999, you’d conquered the Chartz—an evil alien race that’s de … | Continue reading
This week, a resurfaced video of Donald Trump’s running mate, J. D. Vance, calling childless cat ladies like me miserable and uncaring went viral, making me more concerned than I already was about what my life might be like under an administration so hostile to women’s sexual, re … | Continue reading
“Will Chamberlain, a conservative lawyer who worked on Ron DeSantis’s presidential campaign, posted on X that Harris ‘shouldn’t be President’ because she doesn’t have biological children; ‘becoming a step-parent to older teenagers doesn’t count,’ he said." —New York Times, 07/23/ … | Continue reading
Though her family sometimes received food stamps and occasionally had their utilities cut off, Marcie Alvis Walker’s parents led her to believe that they were an average middle-class Black family. They encouraged her to pursue her dreams and told her that if she worked hard enoug … | Continue reading
One hundred-meter breaststroke for computers, one giant leap for mankind. We at OpenlyBadAI are thrilled to debut our most awesome leap yet in artificial intelligence: the first-ever AI Olympians. If you’ve been on the fence about AI, get ready to have your mind blown watching ou … | Continue reading
We are so proud to be publishing your masterpiece. We want this book to be huge. We want the face of every commuter buried in its pages. We want every e-reader in America to glow with it. To make this happen, preorder sales are essential. We have to spread the word! But you alrea … | Continue reading
Sorry, everybody, I hate to be that guy, but what’s going on with the apocalypse orgy? It’s happening, right? Do we have any more details about it, or are we just going into this whole doomsday orgy thing completely off the cuff? Seriously, what are the logistics behind the apoca … | Continue reading
You are using 85 percent of your Google storage. If you don’t upgrade soon, you will lose the ability to receive emails and upload new photos. Click here to upgrade. - - - You are using 87 percent of your Google storage. If you don’t upgrade soon, you will lose the ability to rec … | Continue reading
Dining Room High Top Even Higher Top Low Top (normal chairs around a coffee table) Bar Seating Outdoor (sidewalk) Outdoor (back patio) Outdoor (overgrown garden that’s a breeding ground for mosquitoes) Table in Striking Distance from Pool Table The Pool Table Table in Collision P … | Continue reading
“MAGA Republicans are subjecting Vice President Kamala Harris to a barrage of racist and sexist attacks as she has stormed out in front as the likely 2024 nominee…GOP Rep. Tim Burchett of Tennessee said that “100 percent, she was a DEI hire” insisting of Biden’s choice of Harris: … | Continue reading
Attention: If you’re a single man over thirty making at least $150,000 a year but you’re ashamed of your pestos and bouquets garnis, stop what you’re doing and register for my twelve-part video program. In just six short months, I will turn you into a black-belt-certified fresh h … | Continue reading
“Ms. Harris, 59, could be inclined to turn to someone from a swing state that the party needs to win. She is also likely to turn to a male running mate, Democrats said, to give the ticket balance.”- The New York Times - - - 1. Reliable White 2. Nice White 3. Polite White 4. Incre … | Continue reading
In 1985, the cartoonist Alison Bechdel first published her friend Liz Wallace’s joke that she wouldn’t watch a movie unless it had two female characters who exchanged dialogue about something other than men. Over the last forty years, the Bechdel Test has proven far too challengi … | Continue reading
VeriMark. Welcome to Us. This is our website. Here you will come to find who we are. Because you’ve seen our name. Somewhere. VeriMark. A trusted name. Because it’s so ambiguous and strong, you won’t question it. You’ve got your veri, and you’ve got your mark. As in, we very much … | Continue reading