More than anything else in this world, I just want to be good. I want to “be” someone, you know?I want to mean somethingto someone and more than this,I want to be beautiful. I want to be pure like a child when they see something new or when a child plays or laughs or smiles, […] | Continue reading
I was thinking about the lyrics from a song, which say so much when it comes to matters of the heart or love, or about the way we mess up or ruin love or ruin the best things we have. I stand here, guilty as changedand convicted, equally and dually notedand sentenced. The questio … | Continue reading
Sometimes . . . .I suppose it should be enough to just sit still, you know As in to sit quietly and just listen to the emptiness of nothing or to be someplace, like, say by the side of a lake somewhere which is a real place to meoff Seven Lakes Drive, which is up […] | Continue reading
As it is, the world is a crazy place. Therefore, as it is,we all need to find a place,or a refuge of some sort,or way, a means to an end, or to find some kind of balance,in an unbalanced world,which is why I am here. This is my art.And this is my inspiration.This is all […] | Continue reading
What is chaos anyway?Let’s start this off with a basic definitionChaos, what is it?Well, the dictionary saysit’s a state of confusion or wild disorder.At least, this is what the dictionary tells me. I think this goes further though, and yes, I think that a state of confusion or w … | Continue reading
It goes this way. Life, I mean. And there are times which come without reason or without any sort of explanation. And there are times when we freak our or lose our coolor in my case, I lose my head, and yes, we do things that are against our best interest. And we know this […] | Continue reading
The question to you, Mr. Chaos is simple.The question becomes what have you done for me?What have I lost on your behalf and where has this led me? where have you taken me,besides to you, and either constantly or consistently and somehow or persistently, and for the record;I am su … | Continue reading
Are you ready for a little bit of honesty . . .I am as imperfect as anyone else in this world.I’m crazy too,or mad as any madman. or worseI am equally as desperate and afraid that yes, somehow, I missed my ride, and now, I’ll miss the show or I’ll miss my chanceto see the […] | Continue reading
And so, what was became what is and quickly too, and more, this happened faster than I knew it. And just like that, in the blink of an eye, a temporary burden became factand permanent because of an unfortunateforce, which I callthe deception of my perception. But this is where he … | Continue reading
This is for the kid who is misguided somehow or tricked, just like I wasor fooled into thinking that something about them is faulty or wrongor mis-wired or otherwise imperfect. But the fact is no.You couldn’t be imperfect if you tried.Believe me. I will leave this here for youbut … | Continue reading
Good morning, my old friend Chaos. It’s me again,trying hard to find my way and trying harder to defy the ideas, which have consumed me for way too long. I find myself on the verge of another impasse or crossroads, or perhaps I am on the verge of another choice, or changeor decis … | Continue reading
1) It’s time to go back, or if anything, now is the time to get back to it, and by “it’, I mean the source of my thrill or the meaning behind my life. Now.There is nothing else and no one else, and waiting on “when” never seems to make anything happen, so . . […] | Continue reading
What is this?What is this thingin me? What are these ideas, which spin around in our mind, and how is it that they mutate or multiply, at least a thousand times, or more and then they drive us mador crazy or, they send us off or drive us away in different directions? And meanwhil … | Continue reading
I need to stop.I need to figure this out, somehow,or try to find a way to level the playing field,or if not, perhaps I can find a way toreverse the polarityor make a shift so the weight is less,and my leverage is betteror at minimum,the pain can be lessconsequential. I am not a m … | Continue reading
And if it were trueor if it was so,or if the facts were that yes,my insecurities were all realand that yes, my body was as I saw itor, that in my assumptions that at bestall I could be was awkward,then yes,naturally,I would assume that everyone saw methe same as I saw myself –ina … | Continue reading
Ah, Mr. Mathias.I knew you welland so did our old friend Mr. Chaos,I believe. You taught me well and you taught me that I knew morethan I thought. I never realized how powerful it could beto talk to someone,wholesomely or openly,or moreoverI never knew how healing the human touch … | Continue reading
Sometimes, music is the only thing that helps.You know?Chaos comes in like both,an expected unwanted guest, and just like old times, the heartbeat picks uplike pig meat before the slaughter and the mind moves too fastfor me to find peace. But the music helps. There are times when … | Continue reading
Yes, I’m aware that the book is never the same as the movie, or that life does not come with the so-called “CliffsNotes” or an abbreviated version to ease the study of one another, but yes, I get it. No one takes the time to read between the lines anymore, and nor would it seem [ … | Continue reading
There are nights when all is quiet and the moon comes through the blinds to leave a beam of moonlight with a bluish tint across the sheets on my bedor the whiteness on my face.The blanket is off of me, and then on,and then off again. I am up, of course, and awake as usual.I […] | Continue reading
Crazy? Sure, I’m crazy.Then again, what does it mean to be crazy?Am I crazy because I still want to believe?Is it crazy to want more?Am I doing the same things over and over again,and expecting a different result? But wait . . .that’s not crazy. That’s the definition of insanity, … | Continue reading
1) I want to leave it all out there.Do you know what I mean?I don’t want to ever hold back again, or be common or commonplace enough to be side-swiped by some mediocre lifeor to live in some basic or mundane existence where I find myself aimless or aimlessly walking around, like … | Continue reading
You look and you try. You wonder and you dream, and you imagine, and then perhaps you barter and you trade, you negotiate and often you compromise to find that “thing” which I have been telling you about. And you want this.You really do,You want to find this in whichever form or … | Continue reading
It is even more confusing to say that tomorrow is not a given, especially when we have so much depended on tomorrow, like a bet at the windowas if to bet on the 7 horse to win, place or show. Maybe tomorrow is not a given.Maybe there really isn’t anything elsebut right now . . [… … | Continue reading
I find that I am in a constant state of competition with myself, that is, which is not to saythat this is a race or that there is a first place,second, third, or last.No.This is more than just a physical match, but mental as well, and emotional and even educational to some degree … | Continue reading
I was listening to a soldier talk about an operation of violence. And yes, this was violent to the core. At the same time;this is war and hence violenceis nothing more than a necessary evil . . . just to survive. I heard the soldier talk about the action, the reason, and victory … | Continue reading
Today . . .I ask this question out loud yet, I only ask this question to myself;however, you are free to ask yourselfthis same questionsand if you’d like,we can try and answer themtogether. Did you do what you set out to do?Did you do you get what you came for?Did you set it up a … | Continue reading
Dear Chaos, I know you well and for so long now, that perhaps it would be safe to say that you and I have been on a first name basis even before I understood what that means,to be on a first name basis. Perhaps you and I are more alike, even when I looked to […] | Continue reading
I am the one and always will be, the one who loves, the one who wants forever,to start right nowand the one who feels, sees and seeks our moment of truth. I am the one person, who is the same as I have always been, unfolding, or unravelling, and progressively, I am the one who [… … | Continue reading
And love . . .. . . Yes, love,I believe in you stillnow, then, and alwaysas in forever, or as in for lifeor longer. I believe in you and the highs or the lows, or the ins and the outsthe ups and the downs,or the back and forthor the “for betteror worse.”until death do us […] | Continue reading
I am not who I wasthen again,none of us arewho we were, I mean. It’s hard to think about it . . .. . . what’s it been now, 33 years? That’s a long timeand although this is not meanymore, nor has this been mefor a very long timeI still remember the violence from the […] | Continue reading
The world moves.I know it. You know it.Everyone knows the world is always turningand everyone knows that everything changes,or that life happens,as in, all the time.Every day . . . Good things happen.Bad things happen.Or as the saying goes,“There is a time for all things,under He … | Continue reading
Ah, Chaos, I wonder who I would be, if I were like the Buddha, as in all-seeing and all-knowing, or ever-growing and consciously improving,as in consistently, on an ongoing basis,as in forever, always evolving, ever-changingas in adjusting or adapting in a moldable formlike an un … | Continue reading
The dreams come to me sometimes, when times are either tough or in a sense of disarray, and still; the dreams are always the same and all of them so different, but each time, I find myself back in my old world, like, back when I was young, or like, as in back before there […] | Continue reading
And then comes the question which is often based on the theoriesof our inaccurate math. What comes next?What comes after the conceptof a life that was unexpected? What do we do?Or say?Better yet,what now? What happens now?What happens when we realizethat our paths have changed?Wh … | Continue reading
Daybreak— I want to make a change. Or better yet,I have to make oneas fast as I can,but sometimes,you can change directionor switch gearsas fast as you’d like. I want to break away,or break free, or escape in some way,and excuse myself from my burdens of “self” andoffer myself a … | Continue reading
There was a movie from my youth where a young man with an ailment had a plan to ride through Europe on a motorcycle. Who knows?Maybe this was a way to give himselfsomething to look forward to, or otherwise,maybe this was his way of giving himselfsomething to live for. His trip wa … | Continue reading
I have spent years on the clockand decades working with menwho lived hard lives andwho understood hard times.I have been the young oneand now,I am not so younganymore. What are we working for?Better yet,What are we waiting for? Old men with tanned leather skin, fish from the beac … | Continue reading
Of course, I want more.I want to be more too, as in more than I am nowor more,as in more aware yet,the more I am aware,I want to be more comfortablewith what I know as well as be finewith what I do notor cannot understandbecause, of course,what is a man who knows? If I am […] | Continue reading
I have come a long way “since then,” But then again, we all have, even if we haven’tbecause life still moves,even if we are stagnant or still,the world keeps turning around, like . . .on a regular basisfor free. I stand before you, convicted and equallya changed man, and yet, my … | Continue reading
1) The world really is an amazing place, which does not mean I can always say this with a kind regard.For example, it amazes me how two people can see the exact same thing and walk away with two different conclusions. Ever see this? I remember, although this was long ago and I wa … | Continue reading
My heart beats . . . . . . and here’s why.There is a glow about you,like an archway above your mindand all the angels who singhave claimed to know you all too well,like someone who was placed in our livesfor one specific reason,and eventually revealed throughout the burdens of ti … | Continue reading
1) I know—The things I sayare different from the things you hear.But hey,in the Land of Interpretation,Misunderstanding is king.Or perhaps I should say queen,depending upon the circumstances I was wondering something.Why do you ask questionsif you’re not interested in listeningin … | Continue reading
As I see it,the world moves in pieces,like a chess boardand so,the eyes of the misguidedand the people with stalemate mindswill move from one day to the nextjust to avoid the reminderof being in check. As I see it,the clock moves in intervalsand the moon is heavenly as beautiful, … | Continue reading
Safe to say . . .I can be free now, if I choose to be.Safe to say that I can walk in any directionor cross the streetor find a little caféand strike up a conversationwith some out-of-town personwho never sawThe Empire State Buildinglive and in-person. It has been a while since 14 … | Continue reading
1)March 2024 Yesterday— It was nice to see the city in the sunlight.It was nice to see the hint of spring,which should be here soon,or any day nowand soon enough, the great thaw will take placeand once more,we can feel the warmth on our skinand feel alive. I have to say though,it … | Continue reading
It is closer to the months of summer nowand perhaps we are closer to the sun yet,pieces of us are growing more distant from each other. I can see us now, as we were, a long time agoin a lifetime, far, far away.I can see the past come up in random momentswhere random faces of […] | Continue reading
1) This is to you, who practiced your goodbyesor to you,who rehearsed your lines a thousand times, and yet,you never took a step in the next direction. This is to solidify the fact that we have fallen to standards which are subpar or substandard to our true self. . .and speaking … | Continue reading
Once more . . .We find ourselves here again.And sure,I see how life is cyclical. I can see how things change, or how we go off in different directions,only to bring us back in full-circle. And here we are,looking back in a state, which is all too surrealand all too realistic, but … | Continue reading