Yes, you there with the inquisitive look. I have performance issues, you see. One that requires undivided attention from random strangers walking b... | Continue reading
Emerson Whitney’s Heaven was recently named a finalist for the Believer Book Awards. In celebration of this and Heaven’s one-year anniversary, we c... | Continue reading
- - -I used to watch Mom on TV, would pull the videos out of the back of the cupboard while I was home sick as a teenager, they were in green VHS ... | Continue reading
First off, congratulations on your decision to put an offer in on your dream house. With record-low interest rates and the ability to work from hom... | Continue reading
“We were taught from day one to respect the game, respect the competition, respect the opponent… You don’t swing 3-0 when you’re up by that big a l... | Continue reading
Dear Sleep,We’ve been together for a while now, and I am tired of doing all the heavy lifting in our relationship. I feel like you’ve been phoning... | Continue reading
“If you are close to 40 years old, you are no longer a kid. Now the buzzword is ‘geriatric millennial.’ This definition, which has sparked controve... | Continue reading
1. The original working title of So was Jo as Peter Gabriel intended to make an album devoted to Facts of Life’s Jo Polniaczek.2. Peter wanted t... | Continue reading
It’s a tale as old as time. Democrats propose some pie-in-the-sky bill that involves a ton of government spending, and then, when you ask them how ... | Continue reading
Beaver of Fine Arts: This Week's Pop Quiz: Your Enne-dam Personality Type | Continue reading
Jen, I am so sorry. It has been too long since we’ve gotten to catch up! I’ve been dropping the ball as a friend lately. But I guess that’s just wh... | Continue reading
“The Supreme Court said on Monday it will hear a challenge to a Mississippi law barring almost all abortions after 15 weeks of pregnancy, setting u... | Continue reading
Maybe this work Zoom call isn’t the time for what I’m about to do here, but our boss Kevin has shared his screen to display a prompt that literally... | Continue reading
Hey little girl. Pardon. Young lady? Hello, young lady. Is your daddy home? I mean, your father? I mean, is there an adult home?Or are you, in fa... | Continue reading
Shouted “5! 6! 7! 8!” in the grocery store, just to see if anyone would break into a little soft-shoe.Made the other five members of my household ... | Continue reading
Let’s face it: streaming is broken. Content constantly disappears from your favorite platforms, new services pop up every day, and each streamer co... | Continue reading
It’s not that I don’t care about you. It’s just that I’m really busy writing my thesis. Also, if you were to come to me crying, I would perceive yo... | Continue reading
(Mobile readers: rotate screen to landscape for better view of charts.)- - -“Over a third of consumers (36%) say their consumption of cheese has i... | Continue reading
Hi guys. LOVING the poem here in Analytics and sorry for the delay on the review. Just a couple of suggestions to amp up engagement and SEO. As you... | Continue reading
Model in a baseball cap: Chic, easy-breezy, sporty yet feminine.Me in a baseball cap: Garth from Wayne’s World.- - -Model in overalls: Sun-dapple... | Continue reading
StrangersMOM: So if a strange man says I asked him to pick you up after school, what do you do, Henry?TODDLER: Ask him what my name is. If he get... | Continue reading
Wings are my vice. I love ripping meat off the bone with my teeth. Is there a poem yet about the refreshing feeling of wet naps after wing night? T... | Continue reading
Welcome to Tortured Artists, a writing residency where you’ll be forced to endure the profession you claim to love for more than 30 minutes at a ti... | Continue reading
Illustration by Arne Bellstorf.- - -This piece originally appeared in McSweeney’s 63. To read more from this issue, subscribe by July 15. - - -T... | Continue reading
It has arrived, oh feeble ones, the time for my automobile to barrel through your vicinity and announce my prowess—my vital and irrefutable masculi... | Continue reading
Philadelphia is her government name. You can call her “Philly,” if you’re family.Philly knows how to say water. Don’t tell her how to use her u’s... | Continue reading
First off, I just want to say that I’ve been blown away by the positive response to my flag. I hadn’t made a lot of flags before, but the feedback ... | Continue reading
“A beloved childhood experience, or a petri dish of germs? Public ball pits will reopen in August.” — Headline from the Boston Globe, 5/5/21- - -H... | Continue reading
1. Morning CoffeeLike all true friends, Morning Coffee brings out your best. This warm, invigorating companion is always there for you, even when ... | Continue reading
Design— Round 1 spacing was excessive. Definitely need more than three teeth.— Dave to minimize the spacing, throw a couple more teeth in there. ... | Continue reading
Depending on whom you ask, the use of the active voice over the passive is arguably the most fundamental writer’s maxim, thought to lend we... | Continue reading
I’m so sorry, sir — did I just crush your foot? I don’t know how that happened. I’m not even sure how I got here, to be honest. Today is Mother’s D... | Continue reading
A CardTake that 1099 you got from your 9th side hustle you took just to make rent, and fold it in half. Then fold it again. Don’t worry, you don’t... | Continue reading
Another New York City mayoral race is upon us, and there’s a wide variety of candidates from all kinds of backgrounds and ideologies vying for thei... | Continue reading
Years ago, I presided over a complex international divorce and custody arrangement, resulting in an unconventional legal ruling in which each of th... | Continue reading
1. “It’s really hot up here. Hotter than I expected.”2. “Whoa, you need to take it down a few notches, hon. This isn’t Medea.”3. “I have... | Continue reading
Dear Prospective Teacher,Are you passionate? I mean, REALLY passionate? Are you so passionate it hurts?Because here’s the thing: People rant abou... | Continue reading
This privacy policy describes the processing of information collected by, provided to, or snooped on by your children. This policy describes the wa... | Continue reading
1. The whole ship is going down. I mean the entire freaking ship.2. You think to yourself, “I’m pretty sure we were assured in some paperwork some... | Continue reading
I’m sorry. Why the hell did I just say that? I’m nervous. Blah. Come on in.Don’t worry about taking off your shoes. I’ve never worn shoes inside m... | Continue reading
“More than half of adults in the United States have been inoculated with at least one dose of a vaccine. But daily vaccination rates are slipping, ... | Continue reading
INT. DEATH STAR – CORRIDOR[As CHEWBACCA and HAN SOLO evade capture, STORMTROOPER 1 and STORMTROOPER 2 stand and chat.]STORMTROOPER 1: Lisa starte... | Continue reading
Dear Lord Vader,You have said in recent weeks that everyone in the Empire must soon return to work in person. I’m afraid I have to disagree. Stayi... | Continue reading
TO: Tim Cavanaugh, P.E., VP of Structural EngineeringRE: Volunteering at the STEM Career Day at my son’s middle schoolHi Tim,STEM Career Day a... | Continue reading
(Click codes for translations.)- - -1.Starting off with a classic. Every Morse code fan worth their salt knows this inside joke!2. Getting a ... | Continue reading