DESIGNER 1: The investors want us to make extremely small urban apartments more enjoyable. Got any ideas? DESIGNER 2: Yes. Extremely small balconies. DESIGNER 1: That’s genius. How small are we talking? DESIGNER 2: Just big enough for one person to stand. DESIGNER 1: How about ha … | Continue reading
How You Met Boston: Attended the same biotech industry mixer. Chicago: Saw each other’s reflection in the Bean during golden hour. New York: Almost sat in the same pee puddle on the C train. The Pickup Line Boston: “I went to school just outside Boston. No, not Tufts.” Chicago: “ … | Continue reading
Like many women around the world and across industries, Mrs. Claus has adopted a simple mantra to get through the waning days of a challenging year: Survive till 25. (December 25, that is.) Here are a few of her favorite activities that put the “elf” in self-care—and just might h … | Continue reading
Just like you, this groundbreaking thermostat rewrites the laws of thermodynamics to be hot and cold simultaneously. It can instantly cool any space to 28 degrees Fahrenheit while simultaneously warming it to 114. The Smart Thermostat for the Perimenopausal is advertised pretty m … | Continue reading
I dreamt of being a music icon, but instead, I’m sweating through my clothes inside a mobile edit bay somewhere in South America, soundtracking an argument between a software salesperson from Bakersfield who’s looking for “someone to settle down with” and a Dallas marketing coord … | Continue reading
JEN, QUENTIN, STEPHANIE, and DAVID enter a conference room located deep inside the DC Beltway. DAVID sits in a chair. QUENTIN sits in a chair facing the opposite direction. STEPHANIE throws a chair through the window and sits on the table. JEN picks up a chair and duct tapes it t … | Continue reading
“Concerts should be fun. I don’t like it when they feel like religion.” - - - I had been wondering something about Jack Stratton, the founder and leader of the band Vulfpeck, for the past twenty-one years. I remember him occasionally rapping in his sleep back in 2003, when I was … | Continue reading
Men are so disaffected right now. We must affect them again. I’m not sure what that means, but I know the future of democracy depends on it. There’s no denying how poorly men are doing—this has been true for decades. The educational and professional advancement of women has been … | Continue reading
Here at UnitedHealthcare, we understand just how valuable your health is. It’s why we’re in the business of health care. Why nearly 49.5 million Americans count on us for their coverage. And why we’re eighth on the Fortune 500. Yet despite revenues reaching $1.39 trillion in 2023 … | Continue reading
This isn’t complicated. A man is a man, a woman is a woman, and if we have any questions, we simply consult the highest governing body of a random sport. As the saying goes, when in doubt, turn to the International Association of Amateur Heptathlon Competitors. Scripture tells us … | Continue reading
With apologies to Raymond Carver. - - - My friend Kevin Maddox was talking. Kevin Maddox makes a fortune selling novelty pickleball T-shirts on Etsy, and sometimes that gives him the right. “The kind of tariffs I’m talking about, the other country pays,” he said. The four of us, … | Continue reading
For many years, at 826 Valencia and McSweeney’s, we’ve collected startlingly great publications from youth writing centers around the world. But there has never been a physical space where they’re displayed, and we thought there should be such a space. When the storefront at 849 … | Continue reading
Your 2024 Therapy Wrapped | Continue reading
Dear Committee Members, As part of the faculty review process, I am pleased to report to you on my work. In this letter, I will offer information on my research, service, and teaching, showing why I continue to be an excellent and essential member of our Higher Education Institut … | Continue reading
1. You have to use the piercing gun. No matter how many times the customers say they have seen The Parent Trap, they will scream in the store if you use a needle, which will scare the other customers. 2. There is no limit on keychains per customer. We have corrected this misconce … | Continue reading
“President Biden issued a full and unconditional pardon of his son Hunter on Sunday night after repeatedly insisting he would not do so, using the power of his office to wave aside years of legal troubles, including a federal conviction for illegally buying a gun and for tax evas … | Continue reading
Dear Sir or Madam: It has come to the attention of our firm that your preschool is in violation of dozens of federal registration laws surrounding the intellectual property owned and operated by the estate of Frère Jacques, also known as Brother John. Our findings show that class … | Continue reading
James Joyce: “Maaaaaam, oh, maaaaaaaaa…” Albert Camus (to a concerned Big Lots manager): “Lost maman in home goods today. Or maybe it was yesterday.” George Orwell: “Mom, The Party is holding me at checkout for thoughtcrime (throwing hangers at store security cameras).” Herman Me … | Continue reading
A rotating guest column in which writers reexamine critically unacclaimed works of art - - - We didn’t often go to the movies as a whole family, but in 2002 we all saw Signs. This was back when we could be convinced to hit the theater en masse simply because a guy named Manoj—bet … | Continue reading
Dear Hiring Manager, I am excited to apply for a seasonal position at Hobby Lobby. The holidays are a time of joy, and I look forward to creating a timeless masterpiece in big-box retail. References (attached) say I’m a “Renaissance Man,” an unsurpassed polymath, the most curious … | Continue reading
Originally published November 26, 20023. - - - Q: A caller just said she forgot to baste every 10 minutes. I advised her to serve the turkey anyway. Was I correct? A: Not at all. The turkey is merely the vehicle for the basting. In a recent poll, nine out of ten people would rath … | Continue reading
Families will be at each other’s throats this Thanksgiving. The political divide feels wider than ever, and both sides are digging their heels in. It’s a foregone conclusion that there will be heated arguments. But there’s no need for your bird to get drenched in spittle just bec … | Continue reading
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you McDonald’s. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him use an all-gender bathroom. It takes a village to run the Department of Government Efficiency. Two wrongs do make a right-wing conspiracy theorist. Wow, that costs an arm and an e … | Continue reading
If you’ve spent any time at your local state park, your local body of water, or your local abandoned granite quarry turned rock climbing haven, then I’m sure you’ve seen me. I was probably leading a hiking group, a kayaking expedition, or belaying for a group of middle schoolers … | Continue reading
So, your father just emailed you a poem he wrote, and he wants your thoughts about it. You’re probably thinking: I still do not like my father. Is it normal for a person my age to still not like their father? The answer is probably, but probably not. And what you’re also probably … | Continue reading
“The previously unknown ‘muse’ of famed novelist Cormac McCarthy has revealed herself in a Vanity Fair profile… Complete with excerpts from love letters and the first-hand testimony of a woman named Augusta Britt, the article alleges the two met when she was just 16 and the late … | Continue reading
To remind everyone how grateful we should be for all the readily available, appealing food that is easy to prepare and that everyone enjoys eating, take one day every year to spend fourteen hours laboring over food so terrible it can only be stomached once annually. Think of ever … | Continue reading
As of January 21, 2025, I will no longer be oppressed by my salary, retirement savings scheme, or my office kitchen with its free coffee and biscuits. Instead, I will have the liberty to live out my womanly dream of quitting my job, having babies, performing animal husbandry, and … | Continue reading
“House Speaker Mike Johnson declared Wednesday that lawmakers and staff will have to use the restroom corresponding with their biological sex, a statement directed at Sarah McBride, the first transgender person to be elected to Congress, months before she is set to arrive on Capi … | Continue reading
“I am trying to repel audiences and pull them in at the same time, so they gain a different kind of awareness of what they’re watching.” - - - Boots Riley’s art was inspired by his early experiences connecting with people as a labor organizer and party promoter. He doesn’t like t … | Continue reading
I guess I’m what you’d call a swing voter, Jerry. I am not one to align myself with any political party. I listen to each candidate’s positions on the big issues, review their political career, that sort of thing. I voted for Democrats, and I voted for Republicans. I’m sure you r … | Continue reading
I guess I’m what you’d call a swing voter, Jerry. I am not one to align myself with any political party. I listen to each candidate’s positions on the big issues, review their political career, that sort of thing. I voted for Democrats, and I voted for Republicans. I’m sure you r … | Continue reading
“G.O.P. lawmakers whose leaders have pressed to roll back transgender rights around the country moved to bar Sarah McBride, the first transgender member of Congress, from women’s rooms on Capitol Hill.” — New York Times - - - I’m a family man with a biological woman wife and four … | Continue reading
“Over the past week, Bluesky’s growth has exploded, more than doubling to 15 million-plus users as people seek alternatives to X, Facebook, and Threads.” — New York Times - - - Wow, hi. Overnight, I’ve gone from the girl who sits alone at lunch to the azure butterfly of your drea … | Continue reading
“President-elect Donald Trump on Tuesday named Linda McMahon, a former World Wrestling Entertainment executive who served in the first Trump administration, as his pick to lead the Education Department.” – NBC News - - - I am honored to accept President-elect Trump’s nomination a … | Continue reading
Damn right, we’re unionizing. Management wants ten shipwrecks a week. It’s ridiculous. Last year it was eight, who knows what it’ll be next year. Oh, sure, being a siren seems glamorous. Lounge all day, enchant some sailors, punish mankind for mistaking the beautiful for the good … | Continue reading
Your families are embroiled in a bitter feud. Not a red flag. This is a problem that couples have faced throughout history, and most of them have solved it by agreeing to never host an extended family Thanksgiving. You’re thirteen years old. Not a red flag, as long as he is also … | Continue reading
From William Bradford’s Journal of Plymouth Plantation, Sixteen Hundred and Twenty-One. - - - A lamentable malady had taken fifty and two souls from the humble colony that first winter. Some said God had forsaken them. Others feared plague. But most remarkable were the words of M … | Continue reading
Before the murders, work was going well. My last novel, In the Dying Light, remained on the Times’ Best Seller list for 248 weeks. Everything you see on screen, from our seaside mansion filled with framed copies of my book covers, to our antique letter opener collection, I owe to … | Continue reading
Over twenty-six beautiful years, McSweeney’s has been reaching for the unexpected and the impossible—books written by rarely heard voices, magazines created with elegant materials unlike any others, and the most timely and intelligent daily satire out there. We believe that reade … | Continue reading
I was about to grab a handful of almonds as a snack when you told me to proceed with caution, because the serving size is ten almonds. But I won’t let this impact me. I’ll eat as many almonds as I want, up to ten maximum. It wouldn’t be mentally healthy to obsess over the idea th … | Continue reading
Okay, so look. I’m your basic galvanized steel thrie-beam guardrail. My job is to keep vehicles from flying off the escarpment and squishing all the people driving on the westbound lane who don’t wanna die just because some mope on the eastbound couldn’t be bothered to keep his h … | Continue reading
Look, this place needs to be administrated, and I’m the guy to do it. I know you’ve been doing your best, but you’ve been held back. You haven’t been given what you need to be successful. And I’m not talking about money. I’m not talking about resources and opportunities for growt … | Continue reading
Look, I don’t need to tell you that times have been tough the past few years. Between the pandemic, mass protests, worldwide inflation, and Target locking deodorant in plexiglass cases, we’ve all had our fair share of struggles. Why, just last week, there were reports of drag que … | Continue reading
“After saying that he would let Robert F. Kennedy Jr. ‘go wild on health,’ President-elect Donald J. Trump said Thursday that he would nominate him to lead the Health and Human Services Department, positioning a vocal skeptic of vaccines to wield significant influence over public … | Continue reading
“President-elect Donald Trump is building his team, naming Cabinet members and key advisers after having been elected to a second presidential term.” — NPR - - - Listen. There’s a reason I wanted to meet with you. It wasn’t just so we could order a couple of rounds, play some bla … | Continue reading
Bed: A group of tired women. Coalition: Women who are tired of hearing about their reproductive rights getting trampled on. Guys: Actually, a group of women. Girls: Actually, a group of fully grown women. Old Bats: A group of women who used to be goths in high school and still li … | Continue reading