Hell’s Department of Suffering and Horror Is Now Accepting Applications for the Next National Nightmare

Hell’s Department of Suffering and Horror, in conjunction with the Lake of Fire Institute and the Ceaseless Misery Foundation, is now accepting proposals for the next plague or nightmare to be inflicted on the United States, tentatively planned for the 2022-2023 academic year. In … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Financial Lessons from the Musical Rent

Paying rent is optional. If you borrow money from your partner, just pay them back with one thousand kisses. Opening a restaurant in Santa Fe is a lucrative business venture requiring absolutely no hard work. Just overcharge the wealthy clientele. An excellent freelance gig is to … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Protagonists of ’00s Songs: Where Are They Now?

“Sk8er Boi” Avril Lavigne Sk8er Boi’s band’s sophomore album did not chart, and they broke up in 2004. In 2016, Sk8er Boi attempted a comeback as an alt-right rapper but failed to generate buzz for his single, “Don’t Sk8 on Me.” He is now trying to push his own cryptocurrency, Sk … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Memo Regarding New State Teacher Qualifications

“The Florida Legislature passed a bill granting approval for former and present members of the military to teach in classrooms… Candidates must have a minimum of 60 college credits, a 2.5 grade-point average, and a passing score on a Florida subject area examination for bachelor’ … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

If Starbucks Had Been Named After Other Characters from Moby-Dick

Ahabs Toxic work environment. Employees never know when their shifts will be over. Owner makes a big deal of nailing the communal tip jar to the front counter but takes all the tips for himself at the end of the day. ADA-compliant. Queequegs The barista is always a hot tattooed g … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

How I Got the Commission to Design Saul Goodman’s House

Dear Mr. Goodman, It was a genuine honor to meet with you last night to discuss your ideas for re-designing your home’s interiors. It’s always exciting to meet someone as enthusiastic for quality as you, Saul (you said it was okay to call you that, so I hope you weren’t joking!) … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

I'm the average driver on the road, and I'm out of my mind

You’ve probably seen me engulfing your rear-view mirror. Or maybe you spotted me swerving in and out of stand-still traffic. Or you just noticed me... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

I’m Stacy’s Mom, and Here Are All the Things I’ve Got Goin’ On

What do I, Stacy’s mom, “got goin’ on”? A contentious divorce, for one. It wasn’t just that I found out my soon-to-be ex-husband was paying to be used as a human ashtray by an angular man who goes by Dr. Leather. It was more that he drained $20,000 out of Stacy’s college account … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Ada Limón

Ada Limón has perfected a kind of lyric movement on the page, a passionate thinking, a stylized form of speech that—in her latest book, The Hurting Kind—is more intimate than ever, and puts me in mind of that old idea that poetry is “overheard speech.” That to get to the place of … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Thank You for Calling the Perimenopause Hotline, Where Our Hold Times are Completely Unpredictable

Thank you for calling the perimenopause hotline. Our phone lines are flooded with an unexpected gush of calls right now, but we assure you that our specialists are working hard to absorb this heavy flow and someone should be with you in a hot flash. While you wait, please enjoy t … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

How I, God, Made the Bible So Clear on Abortion

Hi there. It’s me, God. You may know me as the all-knowing, all-powerful creator of the universe and everything, or maybe just from my runaway bestseller: The Bible. I’m inundated with prayers and emails for writing help day and night, and now for the first time, I am opening the … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Kamala Harris’s Use of Pronouns Is an Assault on America

“Kamala Harris was mocked by Republicans for opening a roundtable meeting on Tuesday afternoon with disability rights leaders by verbally announcing her pronoun, gender, and attire.” – The Independent - - -What the hell did I just watch? Kamala Harris used pronouns while introduc … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Jana Prikryl

“The fool,” writes Jana Prikryl in a fragmentary line, “aware of his position, embracing it.” The words end a poem called “The Noncello.” It’s one of several so titled in Midwood, Prikryl’s latest collection, a dazzling dreamy Eliotic book of obsessions and desperations—of mother … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

James Bond Quotes, If He Were a Karen

“The name’s Bond. James Bond. Not ‘Jim’ Bond. Not ‘Jamie’ Bond. James Bond. Do you need me to spell that out for you?” “I’ll have a martini. Shaken, not stirred. If it’s stirred, I’ll send it back.” “Do you expect me to talk, Blofeld? Because I’m more than willing to talk. In fac … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

I’m Tired of Getting All These Book Deals; It’s Time We Gave White Male Authors a Chance

As an Afro-Latino writer in America, I can’t tell you how easy it is to get a great publishing deal these days. I’ve only been writing for a few months, but ever since my first short story, “Being a Black Writer Is Such a Cakewalk,” was published in the New Yorker, literary agent … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Linda Gregerson

“Stubborn in matters of joy,” the voice that speaks in Linda Gregerson’s newest book of poems gives up neither craft nor a sense of the moment. The result is a steady brilliance we’ve come to expect from one of the great living poets writing in English. Canopy is her seventh coll … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Reasons for My Résumé Gap More Reassuring to Employers Than Being a Stay-at-Home Dad

Took a break Tried finding myself Incarceration Amnesia Abduction Lived off the grid Invented a more powerful, iron-grip grid Honed my mucho macho-ness Joined a cult Learned how to tie all the knots Forgot how to open a Word doc Watched birds, whether they liked it or not Became … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Hot Ones with Samuel Beckett

SEAN EVANS: Hey, what up, everybody? You’re watching Hot Ones, the show with hot wings and hotter questions. Today we’re joined by Samuel Beckett, playwright, novelist, cricket player, and general man of mystery. Sam, how are you feeling? SAMUEL BECKETT: I don’t like animals. It’ … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Danielle Blau

In her debut collection, Danielle Blau gives me a glimpse—a peep—at the emptiness at the center of all things. The emptiness within and the emptiness without. And she makes the view beautiful, though no less unsettling, even terrifying. The book is called peep, and if you hear sl … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Foolproof Alternatives to Banned Birth Control

“All but eight House Republicans voted against a bill to codify the right to contraception federally amid concerns that the Supreme Court could overturn a decades-old ruling prohibiting states from banning contraceptives.” — Salon, 7/21/22 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Ernest Hemingway’s Juno

The hills across the suburbs of Elk River were long and white. On this side there was no shade, but the people who lived there were still very white. Close against the side of the Dancing Elk Drug Store were a coin-operated buffalo and a NO LOITERING sign to keep out the teens. I … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Hemingway Updated for the Post-Roe Generation

The Fun Also Rises “Oh, Jake,” Brett said, “we’re going to have such a damned good time together.” “What’s this? Have you forgotten the many euphemistic ways I’ve told you my penis doesn’t work?” “No, darling. Let’s just say I’ve grown fond of the idea of a man who can’t get me i … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

The Sun Also Rises, in Instagram Captions

@jakebarnes_usa: Hit the courts with my boy @big_cohner_alert today. Always great to hit those balls around since mine don’t work lol @franny_girl: Some personal news heading to Paris because @big_cohner_alert’s mag is hitting the struggle bus and we need some time to process. So … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Reasons My Kid’s Barbie Is Increasingly Relatable as I Approach Middle Age

Although she hardly ever leaves the house, one of her high-heeled shoes is always missing. The one sustainable, non-polyester item in her wardrobe is a sweater Grandma knitted. Every time youngsters manipulate her into doing some exercise, her joints make this weird clicking soun … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Big Baby Brody Calls It a Career

Goo-goo ga-ga, wrestling fans. Big Baby Brody here, about to hit you with some real baby talk: After three decades of toiling in indie wrestling obscurity, I’m unlacing my booties and hanging up my bonnet for the last time. Reality has me in a headlock called “middle age,” and I’ … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

The Count from Sesame Street Lists All the Ways You Failed Your Toddler Today

Greetings! It is I, the Count, and the number of the day is TEN! Let’s count the TEN WAYS you did not meet the exacting and unpredictable standards of your toddler today! ONE! You said “good morning” when you walked into his room to wake him up, but he did not want you to say tha … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

The Feline Mystique

The problem lay buried for many years in the minds of American cats, like an old desiccated turd in a long-neglected kitty litter box. It was a strange stirring, a sense of dissatisfaction, a yearning. Each suburban cat struggled with it alone. As it rode, humiliated, in its carr … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Emily Dickinson Poem or an Early Aughts Emo Lyric?

1. “We are the only poets, everyone else is prose.” 2. “My life had stood a loaded gun.” 3. “Jealousy is the cousin, the cousin of greed.” 4. “She dealt her pretty words like blades, how glittering they shone.” 5. “Would you be the savior of the broken? The beaten? The damned?” 6 … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

I Am Ariel the Little Mermaid, and I’d Like to Be a Fish Again

A few weeks ago, I sold my voice to a sea witch to become a human woman. It was an incredible adventure at first. I fell in love! I made new friends. I learned so much about the culture up where they walk, up where they run, up where they stay all day in the sun. And now I polite … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Prayer of the Assistant Professor Going up for Tenure

Please, Tenure Gods of My Institution, please find it within Yourselves to grant me tenure by looking to your own established criteria, which I’ve already demonstrably surpassed. Please do it by faculty vote so that we can introduce dramatic subjectivity into a process outlined b … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

If a Woman Falls in the Forest and No One Is Around to Hear Her, Does She Make a Sound?

Let’s be honest. It’s not exactly “if,” but “when” she falls. Of course, she’s gonna fall! If there’s one thing I know, it’s that forests are teeming with exposed tree roots. If there’s another thing I know, it’s that women tend to be pretty clumsy. Why is she heading into the wo … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

I’m the Person in Charge of Printing Out the Entire Internet

I’m the person in charge of printing out the entire internet. Like in case of a solar flare taking out global communications. Or an EMP attack. Any sort of disaster that would send us back to the dark ages. They say it’s part of Continuity of Government and all that. They have me … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Hello, and welcome to our startup. We hope you’re enjoying your complimentary snifter of vaporized coconut water. Once you’re done, please place th... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

N.I.M.B.Y. Membership Application

Thanks for your interest in becoming a NIMBY. The Not In My Back Yard movement has been a proud supporter of exclusionary zoning, regressive views, and rose-colored nostalgia for decades. We welcome all to become part of our big tent (not very on-brand, we know). Simply fill out … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

“Your (Aging) Body Is a Wonderland”

With apologies to John Mayer, who, like the rest of us, isn’t getting any younger. - - -We got the afternoon You got this examining room One thing we’ve left to do Diagnose these Symptoms, they’re new One mile to every inch of My skin tags, please don’t gag This thing on my lip, … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

The Earliest Adopters of Bitrock

Two cavemen stand by hundreds of long lines of rocks. —Gnog still not get it. Explain it like Gnog five mammoth hunts old. —So, it called “rockchain” because it literally chain of rocks. If Gnog want to take rock out of rockchain, majority of hunters looking at rockchain must say … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

A British Person’s Guide to the Tory Party Leadership Election

What’s the history? Several years ago, Boris Johnson, a man many believe to be a long-running satire of the upper classes, was made prime minister after promising to be tremendously rude to everyone else in Europe. What happened? Crikey. Where to begin. Lies, corruption, incompet … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

And on the Twelfth Day of the Seventh Month, Thou Shalt Observe an Amazon Prime Day

23:14-15 And the Lord spoke to Bezos, saying: On the twelfth day of the month of July, gather all thy Alexa devices and mark them half off so that every household should come to own one. Let Alexa spy on all the people, so that I can take a break from being omnipresent. 23:16 And … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Regarding the Recently Passed “Arm the Teachers” Bill

TO: All Staff RE: Recent passage of the ‘Arm the Teachers’ bill Hi everyone, I trust you know I don’t begrudge anybody their success—ultimately, it’s about the students—but I think it’s absolutely unfair that the quality of weapons we get is tied to standardized test scores. I un … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Stranger Things If Kate Bush Hadn’t Agreed to Let Them Use “Running Up That Hill”

VECNA: Would you like to join them, Max? (Music plays as an image of Max’s friends appears in the distance as if at the top of a hill.) VECNA: They can’t help you now, Max. There’s a reason… sorry, is that “Turn It On Again” they’re playing? MAX: Lucas remembered! VECNA: Huh. I f … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

For Your Crimes You Have Been Sentenced to a Beach Vacation

You have been found guilty of despising work and committing the desire to get out of town. For your heinous acts, you have been sentenced to one year in a beachside condominium, which you will consecutively serve one or two weeks at a time every summer, until you are eligible for … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

An Open Invitation to Touch My Pregnant Belly

Dear strangers or loose acquaintances who lack a sense of personal boundaries, Although you don’t know me, please touch my pregnant stomach whenever you see me at the doctor’s office, the grocery store, or the local YMCA. No worries if I’m walking to the bathroom to give a urine … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Wait, You Can Just Make Your Leader “Step Down”?

“Scandal-ridden British Prime Minister Boris Johnson capitulated to mounting pressure to step down Thursday, announcing his decision after days of high-profile government resignations and calls from fellow Conservative Party members to quit.” — NBC News - - -Hi Britain, confused … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

My Forties in Internet Headlines

He Can’t Stop Talking About His Low-Carb Diet. So Why Does He Go to Dunkin’ Donuts, Like, Literally Every Single Day? The Simple Trick to Removing the Rainbow Sprinkles Wedged into Your Car Seats Before Your Wife and Children Figure Out You’ve Been Going to Dunkin’ Donuts, Like, … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

New Music Is Garbage, and So is Literacy and Lack of Death by Whooping Cough

The music coming out now sucks. It’s all autotuned and loop pedals. I remember when bands rocked! Some of these new acts have chicks on stage who aren’t backup singers or groupies. And the songs are about something other than how rock will never die. Bah!! All this widespread lit … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

I Am a Pro-Life Activist Who Will Now Happily Retire from Politics

As a pro-life activist, I’ve spent the better part of my life on the front lines fighting for the life of the unborn. It has been my passion. My raison d’être, if you will. I’ve spent countless hours demanding that my deeply held religious beliefs regarding other women’s bodies b … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

These Swimsuits Need Good Homes

Are you hoping to wear a new swimsuit to the beach, pool, or lake this summer? There are tons of swimsuits out there, just waiting for the right person to find them and give them a forever home. Let Swimsuit Finder help you find the perfect fit for your lifestyle and body type. S … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

How I Became a Millionaire by Selling Jars of My Farts Online

Five years ago, if I had said I was switching career objectives from becoming a published novelist to selling jars of my farts on the internet, you would have thought I was crazy. Browsing through hand-blown glass jars, sealed with wax and cork, in temperature-controlled cellars … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago