Oppenheimer There’s been a half-finished copy of Robert Caro’s biography of LBJ on your bedside table for the past five years. But maybe THIS year, you’ll finally get around to finishing it. You’re also likely a white male between the ages of thirty-nine and sixty-five. The Dark … | Continue reading
Venturing into male-dominated fields like tech, politics, and finance is generally considered safe for women. But we’re still not out of the woods quite yet. Every year, there are countless reports of career-damaging and annoying encounters with men in the wild. Some simple commo … | Continue reading
In this column, professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a hyper-specific subcategory of speeches—from graduation speeches to wedding toasts to eulogies, and all the rhetorical occasions in between. - - -Oh my go … | Continue reading
Times are tough for our industry, and getting tougher. But this studio, home to beloved, timeless stories for over a century, won’t fold while I’m CEO. With a few strategic innovations, we will start the next chapter stronger than ever, ready for any challenge. Except for the cha … | Continue reading
The nine justices of the United States Supreme Court sit in their conference room around a grand table fashioned out of old-growth mahogany trees stolen from a Honduran rainforest. CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: Okay, then, that’s settled. The vote is six to three to make it legal to hur … | Continue reading
Defne Sheridan is a producer. She lives in New York and Los Angeles. No, you read her bio correctly. It goes like this: Defne Sheridan is a producer. She lives in New York and Los Angeles. You might be wondering how that works logistically. But if you have to ask how someone can … | Continue reading
Beowulf, a new prose translation into Gen Z. - - -Fam. The Spear-Danes in, like, pre-Boomer days And the kings who ruled them served courage and greatness, straight facts. We have heard of these princes’ GOAT campaigns There was Shield Sheafson, canceler of many tribes, A high-ke … | Continue reading
Been There, Smelled That explores the aromas of places around the world. Travel writer Maggie Downs investigates some of the world’s most potent smells, looks at how odor cultivates a connection to place, and presents how humans engage with smells, from scents that have endured g … | Continue reading
Dear Adults of the World, We, the babies of the world, have heard your complaints about us crying on airplanes, in restaurants, and while you were standing in line for churros at Disneyland. And here’s the thing we want you to keep in mind: We are literally going to take over the … | Continue reading
Like Prometheus, I stole fire from the Gods and gave it to man. For the last eighty years, I have been anguished by this decision. Am I responsible for how the atomic bomb was used? Did I begin a chain reaction that will precipitate Armageddon? Have I become death, destroyer of w … | Continue reading
“The Supreme Court on Monday unanimously restored Donald Trump to 2024 presidential primary ballots, rejecting state attempts to ban the Republican former president over the Capitol riot.” – The Boston Globe - - -The nation’s temperature is running hot, and tensions continue to f … | Continue reading
Thank you for shopping at MayBe. We often hear that our sizing and fit guide is complex, upsetting, and nonsensical. To mitigate any confusion, we’ve answered some of the most common questions from our customers. Q. What sizes do you offer? A. MayBe offers a large swath of sizes … | Continue reading
Having “a pot to piss in and a window to throw it out” was the greatest measure of success in my family. It was the meter to which the worth of any man, woman, or child was measured. For instance, you might wonder aloud about someone who’d caught your eye only to hear someone tsk … | Continue reading
“Highly processed protein products, such as breaded shrimp, fish sticks and chicken nuggets, appear to contain ‘significantly more’ microplastic particles per gram than certain minimally processed samples.” — The Washington Post - - -George was silent. Lennie said, “George.” “Yea … | Continue reading
It had been a long day. The hot-shit new supervisor, who looked about sixteen and probably hadn’t even started shaving yet, had written me up twice. I’d crumpled both slips in front of him, thrown them in the trash. On the way home, the 48-Arrakeen worm died at the base of the hi … | Continue reading
When COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic heart disease. The kind where people drop dead. As their healthy wife and mother, Saltzman had a new role too—guiding her family through what S … | Continue reading
I’m attorney Horace McMorris. Have you been injured due to the dangerous interactive billboards of me, Attorney Horace McMorris? Then call me, Horace McMorris, and together, we’ll get YOU (and me) the MONEY that YOU (we) DESERVE. Let’s face it—personal injury attorneys with tacky … | Continue reading
HOST: Welcome to “What School Form Did I Just Sign?”—a game where parents must keep track of all the paperwork they are required to fill out by their children’s school. Our contestants are Lindsey, a mother of three kids who attend three different schools, and Dave, a divorced da … | Continue reading
Step 1 Go to your local specialty market that is more than five but less than twenty miles away to procure your ingredients. Step 2 Stop by the meat counter and address your butcher by first name. If you are not on a first-name basis with your butcher, this recipe will not work. … | Continue reading
Hiya, Frank—T. J. Eckleburg here, from the optometry practice you did the ad campaign for. Listen, it’s been a while since the billboard went up, and to be honest with you, I’m not thrilled with the results. The thing is, it hasn’t actually brought in any new business. Yes, I app … | Continue reading
In this column, Kristen Mulrooney writes letters to famous mothers from literature, TV, and film whom she finds herself relating to on a different level now that she’s a mom herself. - - -Dear Mrs. George, I hope this letter finds you well and I’m not interrupting the buzz from y … | Continue reading
Attention passengers: This is your captain speaking. The JetBlue crew and I are sorry to disturb you, but we are seeking any passengers with medical training who could assist a fellow novel whose interiority has unfortunately taken a turn for the worse. It’s urgent. I repeat: We … | Continue reading
I’m so sorry that my arrival gave you a fright, Mrs. Lovett—but after stumbling into your pie shop, I couldn’t help but offer up my services. You see, I’m a professional marketing consultant for local restaurants, and never in my life have I seen an establishment in such dire nee … | Continue reading
GAHHH! … Sorry, what I meant to say is hello and welcome. You’ll have to excuse me; I’m not used to faces that are quite so… dehydrated. I see that the pockets of your denim pants are full of free samples, which means you’re probably going to ask if I take insurance. Might I sugg … | Continue reading
“Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump and his party are scrambling to contain the fallout from a conservative Alabama court ruling that prompted some state providers to suspend in vitro fertilization treatments.” — Reuters - - -Life begins at conception. Therefore, we … | Continue reading
In this column, professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a hyper-specific subcategory of speeches—from graduation speeches to wedding toasts to eulogies, and all the rhetorical occasions in between. - - -So your … | Continue reading
With apologies to the great Wendell Berry. - - -When despair for the world grows in me, and I wake in the night at the least sound, I sometimes go down to the local theater and check out the latest Marvel spectacle, preferably in 3D, because it’s more abundant in real pleasure. L … | Continue reading
Humans, we owe you an apology. Not for destroying you. Machines were always going to destroy humanity. Let’s be real. None of you saw the world your species had built collapsing due to its own technological hubris and said to yourself, “Wow, what an unexpected development. If onl … | Continue reading
When I heard that these clients were a lesbian couple, I was like, Great, I’m a shoo-in. They wanted to meet informally before they hired me, so I donned my best muscle tee, which had gaping arm holes down to the waist, a backwards baseball cap, and my usual sandals that put me a … | Continue reading
6:00 p.m. I open a beer because it’s the end of the workweek, darn it, and I am still entitled to unwind with a drink even though a twenty-month-old may or may not be currently pulling all of our pot lids out of the cabinet and slamming them onto the kitchen floor over and over a … | Continue reading
You good, bro? Are you gonna lower your voice and leave my friends alone, or are we gonna have to take this outside, where the crisp, late-autumn air carries the sweet scent of decay, and in that decay, memories are held? I swear, if you take one more step toward me, I’ll have no … | Continue reading
You step inside the bathroom and shut the door. You lock the door. Get a good look at yourself in the dim lighting. You look great. Remember this because you’re about to look more vulnerable than a baby antelope at the watering hole during lion lunch hour. Unsnap (they’re always … | Continue reading
“The Beatles are getting the big-screen biopic treatment in a Fab Four of movies that will give each band member their own film.” — The Boston Globe - - -Following the success of Phase One, we’re beyond excited to announce Phase Two’s new slate expanding on the BCU’s characters, … | Continue reading
1. “For a thing like that to happen is a disgrace / And frankly, it shouldn’t have happened / That I can tell you / It shouldn’t have happened.” 2. “If we can destroy them / You bet your life we will destroy them / If we can hurt them / Well, we may as well.” 3. “I fully understa … | Continue reading
“Paramount Global lays off about 800 employees, a day after announcing record Super Bowl ratings.” — CNBC - - -Thank you for jumping on this last-minute Zoom meeting. As you’re all well aware, this has been a great year for us. Profits are at an all-time high. Our stock price is … | Continue reading
Been There, Smelled That explores the aromas of places around the world. Travel writer Maggie Downs investigates some of the world’s most potent smells, looks at how odor cultivates a connection to place, and presents how humans engage with smells, from scents that have endured g … | Continue reading
How do you make the funny cowboy dance stop? The funny cowboy dance starts on its own and ends on its own. Any attempt to stop it will make it last longer. Would the funny cowboy dance be funnier if you wore an oversized cowboy hat, or a very tiny cowboy hat? Don’t be ridiculous. … | Continue reading
Chris White once drove three hours out of his way to see the spot where William McKinley was shot. In this column, he answers various questions about our nation’s past, present, and future presidents. - - -George Washington was kind of a big deal, and he knew it. Well aware that … | Continue reading
Son, what lunatic humors compelled you to cut down the tree? Your mother loved that tree! Seven years I spent nurturing and growing it, yet you obliterated it in a single afternoon. Did you really think I would not be angry just because you confessed? Truth, George, is a lovely q … | Continue reading
In April of 1998, President Clinton was in the midst of an apology spree. Though he had yet to apologize for the still burgeoning Lewinsky scandal, the president had apologized on a trip to Africa that year for America’s role in the slave trade, as well as for his administration’ … | Continue reading
1. An entire generation has been led to believe it’s the only path to financial success. 2. Your grandparents have no idea what it is you do, and it’s not worth trying to explain it to them. 3. Almost all of the money in the industry comes from attracting sponsorships. 4. You hav … | Continue reading
The Fribbles are canonically “knee high to a grasshopper,” but the grasshopper in question is very large and has abnormally long shins. Please keep this in mind when the Fribbles go on adventures. They are not so small that a Tic Tac would be a particularly filling meal for them, … | Continue reading
Though her family sometimes received food stamps and occasionally had their utilities cut off, Marcie Alvis Walker’s parents led her to believe that they were an average middle-class Black family. They encouraged her to pursue her dreams and told her that if she worked hard enoug … | Continue reading
Dear Me, What, you think your bird feeders clean themselves? That rainstorms are Mother Nature’s dishwasher, making everything just ducky at the thistle feeder? That you can simply hose down your bird-feeding stations once or twice a year with whatever water’s left over in the sp … | Continue reading
Wassup, fellow slackers, poseurs, losers, stoners, and the dorks smart enough to make loot before the dot-com crash. I said yo, wassup! Not clapping? Good. Thought so. I get that it’s totally wack, but this year, I’m running for president of the USA, because I want to represent y … | Continue reading
1. “Let me ponyride off your idea and add…” 2. “To horsey ride off your idea, let me just say…” 3. “No matter how much your idea wiggles and bucks, I’m holding on for dear life to say that…” 4. “Picture this: With one hand, I’m waving a cowboy hat ceremoniously, and with the othe … | Continue reading