Desire and determination. That’s where it all begins. You have to want to terrorize a child. You have to want to transfer your soul into their body. It must come from deep down inside you, because it’s hard work. You’re not always going to feel like inflicting multiple stab wound … | Continue reading
Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to … | Continue reading
They don’t tell you this in the Hot Dog Handbook, but hot dogs are hungry for mystery… There’s something weird leaking from gas station ceilings. What’s dribbling down is not rainwater or condensation from an AC unit or anything gnarly like that—it’s a pink juice we like to call … | Continue reading
Today, I want to talk about transformation. As mayor, I promise I will turn into a beast of policy and transform this town overnight into something we don’t even recognize. I want everyone to wake up the day after I’m sworn in and say, “What the hell happened last night? Gerald, … | Continue reading
I first met Dean after my wife and I had split up—dude, why is everyone freaking out, it was just a small earthquake. We get it. Move on. Look at everyone with their little Twitter jokes about the earthquake. Okay, okay, book, book, book. Focus on the book. So, that’s when I had … | Continue reading
Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to … | Continue reading
Sometime in the future, three prisoners from the Keystone MAGA Work Camp carve President Trump’s likeness into Mount Rushmore. PROTEST VOTER: You know what I thought when I woke up this morning, facing yet another day of carving President Trump’s head into Mount Rushmore? I regre … | Continue reading
My nephew told me he was getting into punk music and played me some stuff from this guy Machine Gun Kelly. I couldn’t help but laugh and roll my eyes. What these kids today call “punk” is embarrassing. It’s time they learn what real punk is from someone who was there when it happ … | Continue reading
Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to … | Continue reading
Mansion: Moaning in the middle of the night Airbnb: Changing the WiFi password to alternate between zero and the letter zero, like “00OO0O000O” Mansion: Shouting “Get Out!” Airbnb: Giving commands via posters, like EAT or LIVE LAUGH LOVE. Mansion: Creating panic in their minds ov … | Continue reading
SEAN: Happy Monday, everyone. This is me, your boss, pretending that the beginning of your forty-hour work week is a good thing. It isn’t. I will now ask about everyone’s weekend and say, “Hope no one did anything I wouldn’t do.” This won’t make sense, as I’m the most boring pers … | Continue reading
Amazing (at Appearing High in Your Search Results) Zucchini Bread Not the Best Zucchini Bread Pretty Good but Still Kind of Dry and Bland Zucchini Bread Zucchini Bread Exactly Like the Recipe Above but with a Random Extra Quarter Teaspoon Baking Powder and a Completely Unnecessar … | Continue reading
Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to … | Continue reading
Yeah, we love Pennsylvania. That’s our very special hello to Latrobe. Oh, I love Latrobe. You know why? The home of Arnold Palmer. This is the home of my friend Arnold Palmer. And he loved Latrobe. You know, he turned out to be one of the greatest golfers in the world. He started … | Continue reading
Your Wife Never Truly Loved Halloween She claims she used to be in love with All Hallow’s Eve and that she spent years trying to work things out with the spooky season. But it’s become abundantly clear that she is a liar. Your wife never loved Halloween. And you know what? GOOD. … | Continue reading
How should I prepare for my first mammogram? On the day of your exam, don’t apply deodorant or scented lotions. Also, be sure to remove any nipple piercings, nursing children, and/or tiny nipple top hats. Will I need to arrive early to fill out paperwork? Yes. We have efficiently … | Continue reading
Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to … | Continue reading
Guess If These 40 Peripheral Figures in Your Life Actively Despise You or Don’t Know You Exist What Happy Days Character Are You? You Are Chuck Here Is Your Bed. This Is Not a Quiz Can You Guess Whether These 51 Tips to Feel Great Will Work? I Am Not Genuinely Curious How Many of … | Continue reading
With the 2024 presidential campaign entering the homestretch, an anxious nation has once again turned to historian Allan Lichtman and his Thirteen Keys to the White House. Every four years, Lichtman predicts who will win the presidency based on whether the incumbent party has met … | Continue reading
Not that you asked, but I’m in the uniquely devastating position of being unable to have kids the “usual way” (sex). My doctor gives my husband and me a less than 10 percent chance of things “working out naturally” (also, sex). (He loves air quotes.) I’m done crying over it. You … | Continue reading
An experienced fixer for journalists covering Haiti, Jean often unexpectedly finds himself on the subject side of stories. After his son was kidnapped and his house taken, Jean decided to move his family out of Port-au-Prince to the Dominican Republic. In the new book, The Four D … | Continue reading
Dear Television Executives, It is time to make a lesbian season of Love Is Blind. Let me be clear: It is my sincere belief that Love Is Blind—in which contestants date each other through a wall, get engaged through said wall, and only see each other once they’ve said yes—is the b … | Continue reading
The referee This person has been taking their children to the playground since the 1930s and has developed an elaborate game that involves constantly running from one part of the playground to another. You will occasionally hear them yell out instructions like “Red alert!” “Back … | Continue reading
One of the many things that makes Catherine Barnett’s work so compelling is her willingness to look doubt and ennui and abjection squarely in the face. To make it, in fact, a part of the beauty. To welcome it into her lines. It is the grace and candor in the act of that curiosity … | Continue reading
Thanks for sharing your work, Glenn. It definitely engaged my imagination. However, there were a few instances where I found it hard to parse. Here are my notes: “I wanna savage your spinal remains.” Unless you’re one of those bone-crushing vultures, this doesn’t really make much … | Continue reading
I’m a well-informed Hobbit—a Boffin from Overhill, thank you very much—who is in a kerfuffle about whom to throw my Hobbit-sized support behind. For some, the choice is clear, but for a little guy like me, I’m feeling awfully torn up, like a tear-and-share cheese bread during Win … | Continue reading
Are my hot flashes due to an estrogen imbalance or a rapidly warming planet hastened by unaccountable oil barons who own our elections? Am I irritable because my progesterone is low, or because social media has turned my prefrontal cortex into a 24-7 whack-a-mole game to sell me … | Continue reading
Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to … | Continue reading
“Musk’s Super PAC Offers $47 to Those Who Help It Find Trump Voters” — New York Times, 10/7/24 - - - Please help. My brain is like the Cybertruck nav system. I know something’s wrong there, but no one can figure it out. I’ve read all the psychology books, but none of them address … | Continue reading
“‘We will each write a ghost story,’ said Lord Byron; and his proposition was acceded to. There were four of us.” – Mary Shelley, Introduction to Frankenstein. - - Wow, Mary! Wow. Dr. Frankenstein and his monster. I can’t imagine anything more chilling. In fact, it’s so chilling … | Continue reading
Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to … | Continue reading
1. Set your alarm for 6:00 a.m. the night before. You want to be first in line for the perfect pumpkin. 2. When your alarm goes off, ask yourself what the hell you were thinking. It’s not like they’re going to run out of pumpkins. Snooze until ten. 3. Put on your newly purchased … | Continue reading
With America more politically polarized than any time since the Civil War, the most important issue facing the next president is figuring out how to heal our divided nation. Vice President Harris is undoubtedly the candidate most likely to bring our country together, but she will … | Continue reading
Can I still pay my union dues by sacrificing goats, bartering homemade macramé, or offering to house-sit while the high priestess is on vacation in Tulum? The Topeka Coven has long accepted sacrificial gifts to our dark lord, in-kind bartering, and occasional house-sitting as pay … | Continue reading
This memo serves to answer questions that you, my eight- and six-year-old children, have about Scoopy Daddy. What is Scoopy Daddy? How did we get here? Scoopy Daddy is a child-development teaching tool that I, your father, developed in response to recent changes in attitude and b … | Continue reading
Our friends at 270 reasons.com are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights … | Continue reading
“Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene has doubled down on her allegation that an unspecified ‘they’ can control the weather, a claim that has sparked a backlash online.” – Newsweek, 10/6/24 - - - In the basement of the Ben and Jerry’s factory in Waterbury, Vermont, former Speake … | Continue reading
I hope you don’t mind, but my buddy texted me, and I told him he could stop by. I’ll warn you in advance, he can be a lot. But once you get to know him, he’s great. I know this is a “shoes off” house, but trust me, you will want him to keep his shoes on. Are you the type of perso … | Continue reading
Art by Matt Smith - - - So the thing is, back in the 1000s, Sweden wasn’t exactly the goddamned shinin’ beacon’ah highly pious Lutheranism as we tend tah think’ah it as bein’ today, even if that image is kindah outdated since the 1800s. Fahr stahtahs, the boundahry’ah the whole c … | Continue reading
Hello, I’m Carl, the custodian in charge of maintaining the litter box in your child’s public school classroom. Ask me anything. Are there actual litter boxes in my child’s classrooms for student use? Yes, we keep them there to support the needs of our youths who identify as a “f … | Continue reading
Oh no, everyone’s done eating, and the lady hosting this dinner party wants us to “retire” to the living room. Retire? There’s a turkey leg dangling from my mouth. I’m not done eating. Can I bring it with me? Because I don’t see any other food in the living room, just paintings o … | Continue reading
Good evening, and thank you all for attending this important town hall meeting. Due to budget cuts, we’re excited to announce our groundbreaking merger with Spirit Halloween. Yes, you heard correctly—Spirit Halloween, your go-to for spooky décor and flimsy costumes that disintegr … | Continue reading
Niccolo Machiavelli When one child refuses to go to school, ignore their insolence and lavish praise on their compliant sibling. Malcolm puts on his shoes perfectly! Malcolm gets a toy from the prize jar! Once the first child succumbs and leaves on time, swiftly punish their infr … | Continue reading
“It’s a little crazy, by the way—especially for women that are like past 50. I’m thinking to myself: I don’t think that’s an issue for you.” — Bernie Moreno, Republican candidate for Senate in Ohio, speaking about women’s concern over abortion rights. - - - As a forty-nine-year-o … | Continue reading
Plan your visit to our town’s Fairly Old House—a local history museum that’s somehow the fourth most popular thing to do here, according to TripAdvisor. Why is this relatively old house so remarkable? It isn’t. But it is one that didn’t burn down over the course of multiple fires … | Continue reading
Everyone knows it’s hard being the high school basketball team that lost to Air Bud. He’s a dog; it’s an embarrassing defeat. But people don’t realize it’s worse being the team that went out, played hard, and beat that beloved golden retriever by eighty-seven points. Famously, th … | Continue reading
“Donald Trump’s candidates keep delivering… for Democrats. Republicans didn’t learn their lesson in 2022 as MAGA mini-mes could once cost the party winnable races.” — Vanity Fair, 9/30/24 - - - As a party, we have to apologize for how things are going. We’re just having a minor “ … | Continue reading
As a New York transplant originally from the South, my body is hard-wired to welcome the fall season once the temperature hits 70. I’m not proud of it, but I have been known to dust off my sweaters and light a cider-scented candle during the final week of August. This year, as my … | Continue reading