I Am the Designer of This Restaurant’s Outdoor Seating Space, and This Is My Artist’s Statement

This restaurant commissioned me to create a structure that would allow its patrons to dine comfortably in cold and inclement weather while still ke... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Haddonfield’s Teens Just Want to “Cancel” Michael Myers

“Democrats are gonna impeach the president for a second time, one week before he leaves office. Why? Politics, and the fact that they want to cance... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Trust Fund Kid or Golden Retriever?

1. Trip2. Chip3. Bo/Beau4. Sandy5. Buffy6. Chase7. Hunter8. Tucker9. Scooter10. Sparky11. Trent12. Bentley13. Tanner14. Trace- - -Tru... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Short Conversations With Poets: Tracy K. Smith

The poet Yi Lei became famous in 1987 when she published a poem about female sexual desire in a time when cohabitation before marriage was still il... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

This Might Be The Most Disgusting Fuddruckers of All Time, But It’s Just Not Who We Are

“Rep. Nancy Mace (R-S.C.) denounced protesters seen clashing with police outside the Capitol as droves of pro-Trump demonstrators descended on Wash... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Sauron Has the Power of the One Ring for Another Week, What’s the Worst that Could Happen?

“Republican Senator Roy Blunt from Missouri said Trump’s actions on the day of the capitol attack were ‘reckless,’ but he says he should finish out... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

The Final Days of Graduate School or the Final Days of Trump’s Presidency?

1. Doubting that the nightmare is really, truly over.2. Praying that whatever vestiges of civility are left will last until the January 20 deadlin... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Haruki Murakami’s Fairy Tales

Goldilocks and the Three BearsOne day, a salaryman named Tatsuhiro receives a phone call from a stranger who calls herself Goldilocks. Her voice r... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Grendel Should Not Have Rampaged Through Our Capitol, But Slaying Him Will Only Further Divide Our Clans

“Any attempt to impeach President Trump would not only be unsuccessful in the Senate but would be a dangerous precedent for the future of the presi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

I’m 15th-Century Aztec King Ahuitzotl and I’m Kind of Uncomfortable with All the Human Sacrificing Going on Around Here

“The US has recorded over 4,000 COVID-19 deaths in one day for the first time” — SBS News, 1/8/21- - -Guys, look, I love human sacrifice. You know... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Short Conversations With Poets: Khaled Mattawa

Our good friend, poet Ilya Kaminsky, knows contemporary poetry like no one else. We’re proud to be publishing his mini-reviews and one-question int... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

We Are Living In Orwell’s 1984. I Think. I Don’t Know. I Didn’t Read The Book. Who’s Orwell?

“We are living Orwell’s 1984.” — Donald Trump Jr. after Twitter permanently suspended his father’s account for inciting violence.- - -It’s finally... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Dry January Is Shocked By Your Naïveté

Hey, it’s me, Dry January. The one you pledged abstinence to. Look, I know you had honest intentions. I heard you when you vowed to make up for dri... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

An Annotated Guide to Trump’s Cabinet Members’ Resignations

This week has been trying for us all.1 While I don’t want to let the incident at the Capitol overshadow all of our accomplishments,2 it’s made me l... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing (So Far): Atrocities 1-1,046

To download a PDF of this entire list, click here.- - -Early in President Trump’s term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning num... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Visiting Paris vs. Giving Me $20 to Throw Dirt On Your Floor and Dress Like a Pigeon

CostParis: An expensive, once in a lifetime experience.Me: A $20 experience you can do most weekends and every other Tuesday when I’m not working... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

We Must Take a Bipartisan Approach to Stopping This Armed, Violent Rebellion Us Republicans Have Perpetuated For Years

Fellow citizens, after a long and contentious election season, it appears that tensions are peaking among Americans dissatisfied with how the resul... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

I’m the 25th Amendment, and I’ve Been Waiting for This Moment My Entire Life

“Fearful that Trump could take actions resulting in further violence and death if he remains in office even for a few days, senior administration o... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Domestic Terrorists Stormed the Capitol and Our Republic Is in Tatters, But It Was All Worth It Because We Got the Judges

Mobs invaded the U.S. Capitol building yesterday, but us Republicans got to confirm more than 220 white male judges who want to force women to give... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

If War Correspondents Reported on the MAGA Riots in the Same Way They Reported on Coup Attempts in Other Countries

Yesterday, an attempted coup d’état was thwarted in Washington D.C. — the capital of the globe’s largest military power. Once considered the shinin... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Bridgerton’s Lady Whistledown Is Pleased to Announce She Is Joining Substack

Though I am a great admirer of tradition and possess extraordinary respect for the way things have always been done, I am not above changing my way... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Hi Teachers, It’s Me, the Google Classroom Private Comment Function, and I’m Here to Save the Day

Hey teachers, I know it’s been a struggle to communicate with your students ever since you moved to remote learning this spring. At first, you were... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Developmental Milestones for New Mothers

Day 1: Can smile at your mother-in-law even if she is sitting inexplicably close to your exposed nipples.1 month: Can embrace total inaction when ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing (So Far): Atrocities 1-1,043

To download a PDF of this entire list, click here.- - -Early in President Trump’s term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning num... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Welcome Our New Head of HR, The Incinerator 850

To our beloved Efficient Solutions Inc. family —Exciting news! Today is the first day of our new head of human resources: The Incinerator 850.Man... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Please, Sir, I Want 11,780 More Votes

“I just want to find 11,780 votes, which is one more than we have. Because we won the state… I only need 11,000 votes. Fellas, I need 11,000 votes.... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Here’s How Time Works In 2021

Here at Time, we made several major changes in 2020. Now that 2021 is here, we’re rolling out a brand new set of regulations.A MinuteA minute use... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

The House Is Finally, Completely, Totally Clean

You finally did it. You cleaned the whole house. Every laundry basket is empty. Every countertop, decluttered. Every nook and every cranny—swept, S... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Our Most-Read Articles of 2020

It was QUITE a year, and our most-read pieces provide a time capsule of sorts that records all the ups and downs, and downs, and way, way downs of... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

2020: The Exit Interview

Q: Mr. 20—2020: Please, Mr. 20 is my father. Call me Greg.Q: Many observers have deemed you perhaps the worst Year ever. How do you respond?2... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

The Girl From Avril Lavigne’s “Sk8er Boi” Responds 18 Years Later

Our 5th most-read article of 2020.- - -Originally published April 30, 2020.- - -I’m the unnamed girl from Avril Lavigne’s 2002 hit, “Sk8er Boi” ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Self-Care Tips for Toddlers

Our 7th most-read article of 2020.- - -Originally published February 19, 2020.- - -It’s tough being a toddler. Having your every need met doesn’... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Self-Quarantined: The Adult Activity Book

Our 8th most-read article of 2020.- - -Originally published March 25, 2020.- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -Click to ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Why I Decided Not to Have an OBGYN and Let Wendy From Work Handle My Prenatal Care Instead

Our 12th most-read article of 2020.- - -Originally January 24, 2020.- - -Pregnancy is an intensely personal time, and when it comes to caregiver... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

“Who’s Laughing Now, Assholes?” A Letter from Henry David Thoreau to Literature Faculties at Cushy Liberal Arts Schools

Our 13th most-read article of 2020.- - -Originally published April 29, 2020.- - -Dear Professors —It’s been a minute, right? A few months ago, ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Welcome to Your Hastily Prepared Online College Course

Our 15th most-read article of 2020.- - -Originally published March 16, 2020.- - -Due to concerns about COVID-19, our university recently gave me... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

As a 28-Year-Old Latino, I’m Shocked My New Novel, Memoirs of a Middle-Aged White Lady, Has Been So Poorly Received

Our 16th most-read article of 2020.- - -Originally published January 31, 2020.- - -With all of the controversy surrounding my new novel, Memoirs... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Frog and Toad Are Self-Quarantined Friends

Our 20th most-read article of 2020.- - -Originally published March 31, 2020.- - -The BathroomFrog stood outside the bathroom door. He could hea... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

The Twelve Days of Christmas

Originally published December 23, 2009.- - -Day 1On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree. Such a though... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Thank You for Choosing Manger Health Systems for the Birth of Your Savior

At Manger Health Systems, we strive to provide you with the highest quality care when the inn is full and you need to give birth to the child of Go... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

New Year’s Resolutions for Toddlers

1. Finish what you startResilience is a difficult skill to learn, so work up to it in small doses. Instead of watching the first three seconds of ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Timothy Cratchit’s Socialist Manifesto

Com­rades, friends, awakening proletariat, my name is Timothy Cratchit. Many of you know me by the ableist moniker “Tiny Tim,” bestowed upon me by ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

How the Grinch Stalled Whovid

Every Who down in Whoville was sick of the rules,All the masks, sanitizers, and closure of schools.Caroling was banned along with the Annual Snow... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

In Lieu of Economic Stimulus, the Capitol Is Pleased to Announce the First Annual Hunger Games

“House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Monday faced criticism after saying that the $600 direct payments included in a new economic relief package are ‘sig... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Barack Obama’s Favorite Swedish Death Metal of 2020

Barack Obama's Favorite Swedish Death Metal of 2020 | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Kids, You’re Old Enough to Know: Santa’s Real. And He’s Dangerous.

Kids, take a seat. For years, your mother and I have assured you both that there’s no such thing as Santa Claus. We’ve reminded you over and over t... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

An Open Letter to the Woman in Smith’s Food and Drug Who Was Enraged That Land O’Lakes Removed the Native American Logo from Its Butter Tub

Dear Smith’s Food and Drug Shopper,I couldn’t help but overhear your tirade in the dairy aisle as you loudly complained about how Land O’Lakes kow... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Things I Didn’t Have on My 2020 Bingo Card Bingo

Things I Didn't Have on My 2020 Bingo Card Bingo | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago