It’s known as the Paper Towel Pile. Germophobes, you know what I’m talking about. It’s that filthy stash of crumpled wet paper towels sitting in a pathetic heap behind public bathroom doors. Bacteria conscious citizens aren’t above using paper towels like gloves to avoid touching … | Continue reading
Bombs away. Bring on big splashes, wet clothes, and hot sunny afternoons of AWESOME! Photo from: here | Continue reading
We love your kids. We do, we do, they’re cute, they’re adorable, they’re beautiful little Future You’s who will rule the Earth just fine when we’re all done living. And it’s fantastic they won bronze in high jump, scored a Wise Man part in the Christmas play, and got an “A” in t … | Continue reading
It’s been a long day. Flick off the lights and rest your broken bones in bed. Collapse under the covers, twist out your spine, and crumple into your cozy cotton cocoon. Feel your eyes warm your lids after long hours looking at the screen. Let your jaw unclench, let your blood swi … | Continue reading
I have short hair. People, this is what happens when you’re going bald. Now I’ll probably always have short hair and I’m really hoping it doesn’t go too far out of style. Because if the new thing becomes dreads, french braids, and ponytails, then I’m screwed. You may as well thro … | Continue reading
I’m no tennis pro. Yet somehow this past weekend I got tricked into playing a game with my brother-in-law Dee. I hadn’t played tennis in years, but Dee and I managed to scrounge around my dad’s basement to find two wooden rackets and a tube of balls. Even though each tennis ball … | Continue reading
You can’t fake a peach. Juice and candy companies keep trying with their Fuzzy Peach gummies and sugary peach drinks. But those molar-clogging sugar clumps never do the real peach justice. They’re an insult to peaches everywhere and mock the regal beauty of the Lord Of All Fruits … | Continue reading
Keep the poo outside. We all agreed on this hundreds of years ago and beyond when we scooted outside whenever nature called. Outhouses were the norm and everyone put on slippers and blindly stepped through flower gardens whenever they tinkled in the middle of the night. The rules … | Continue reading
It happened last night. Leslie and I were walking around a new neighborhood when we strolled past a giant restaurant window with a tall guy in a paper hat standing inside. He was swiping a tiny windshield wiper across a hot black circle and cooking up thin little crepes. Maybe I’ … | Continue reading
Here comes the rain. Black clouds cover the sky before jumbo drops start pounding down all around you. Drenching clothes, splashing windows, everyone runs for cover with wet cheeks and rain hair. And when giant cracks of lightning suddenly splinter the sky and fill everything wit … | Continue reading
Picture this. You’re biking down the leaf-slicked sidestreets of your hometown when you suddenly lose your balance and fly head first over the handlebars straight into the curb. You smack it hard and are left lying in a twisted mess of bike chains and bloody legs. But then! Just … | Continue reading
I love burritos. Wrap a chewy tortilla around a slopful of sticky beans, blackened chicken, and creamy guacamole and that’s a pretty fine lunch. Hey, squirt some sour cream in there, sprinkle grated cheese, and splat some salsa on and you just made it better. Burritos are so deli … | Continue reading
You just sounded like a pig. AWESOME! | Continue reading
It’s like throat glue. After you finish scraping the chocolate icing off the plate and fingering up every last crumb, it suddenly hits you that your entire face and mouth is smeared with the brown and pasty. Molars have new chocolate fillings, lips are smeared with sugary icing, … | Continue reading
Welcome to the place where nobody knows your name. 1. The Boring Party. You’re watching Saturday Night Live on the couch or hanging by the punch table at prom while everyone else dances up a sweat to The Power, Informer, or Pump Up The Jam across the room. When that other guy plo … | Continue reading
There’s always one. It’s the lady who’s been there since the war with glasses perched on her nose and the framed photo of her kids from twenty years ago on her desk. Sure, she might have gray hair, she might have wrinkles, but nobody’s better at keeping this place together. First … | Continue reading
AWESOME! Check out my new book on resilience You Are Awesome | Continue reading
Way to cut out the middleman. AWESOME! Photo from: here | Continue reading
You’re the master wiggler. Nice move loosening that awkwardly-curled delicious pink meat from the plasticy trappings of its own tail. Now you’ve increased your shrimp intake and can rest knowing the shrimp’s life was made entirely useful. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, shrimp to A … | Continue reading
Toast gets cold fast. I’m reminded of this nearly every morning after I toss a couple scrambled eggs onto a plate and then mindlessly chomp into the cold and crumby jam-smeared bread that’s been lying around for a couple minutes. Do you have issues like I have issues? Hands up if … | Continue reading
I live in a tall apartment building downtown. Whenever I get home from the office I tap a little gray button thing or ‘fob‘ on my key chain onto the black box sensor near the front door which unlocks it. If I forget my fob, I’m locked out and forced to nonchalantly impersonate a … | Continue reading
There’s always a photo. Yes, whenever I finished up a few painful months of smacking T-ball stands or getting beaned by soccer balls it was time for that classic end-of-the-year, middle-of-the-field photo shoot. Straighten your shinpads, comb your cowlick, and tighten your cleats … | Continue reading
Please don’t steal my wallet. Honestly, I’ve got my entire life scrunched into that little slap of leather. Credit cards, ID, and lots of other Really Annoying Things To Replace fill up my back pocket every day of my life. Once in a while I’ll be in an airport in another country, … | Continue reading
Cleaning up the corners was never so easy. Sorry spidey. AWESOME! Photo from: here | Continue reading
Dirt is everywhere. Just look around the house for a second here. What’s that in your phone receiver? What’s all over the bottom of your Tupperware cupboard? And what’s that coating your own … face? If you said horribly sore bright red zits that’s only half the answer. The other … | Continue reading
Because what are they thinking? Honestly, when I wake up in the morning and remember jagged shards of Dreams From Last Night, I’m usually just picking up familiar friends and family staging new acts in old places. Maybe I’ve got boring dreams but mine are usually just tense scene … | Continue reading
There is no limit. When you get the itch to go for it you can keep going all the way to the top. No one will tell you to stop. You can study and study and try and try and dream to go far and dream to go high. If you believe it can be, … | Continue reading
It’s like playing a harp with only one note. AWESOME! Photo from: here | Continue reading
Books, blow dryers, babies in baskets. These are all things we’d like back. These are all things we usually get back. But somehow it’s different with pens. When someone borrows one it’s like they’re immediately shipped to the Island of Misfit Toys with the rest of their often-bor … | Continue reading
An airborne hug is any hug where you actually lift the other person off the ground. It’s a serious squeeze that shows the world how much you love them and offers a little back cracking at no extra charge. AWESOME! Check out my interview with the world’s greatest Uber driver. | Continue reading
I always break my taco’s back. Yes, it’s a sad and painful moment which involves me picking up a hard-shell taco and very gently squeezing it together so I can fit it in my mouth. But then just before I can bite, a loud splintery crack fills the air and I notice I’ve just given … | Continue reading
Mother Nature likes to mess. Honestly, when she gets crazy it’s time to watch out, everybody. Swirling oceans, spinning winds, icy rain drops — you never know what she’s got cooking in the atmosphere. One of her off-the-menu specials is definitely a fresh batch of clear blue skie … | Continue reading
It’s the sound of life. Listening to the sound of a stomach chowing down on a greasy hot dog is listening to the sound of a body filling up with energy. Ketchup, mustard, pickles — they’re all magically getting transmogrified into molecules of you and molecules of poo. Amen, sing … | Continue reading
What’s that on your arm? Wait, let me guess — is it a giant smear of white sunblock gooing up your arm hairs? Brother, I been there too. And I guarantee my arms are more gorilla than you, so whenever I’m thick-blobbing it on the back deck before the barbecue it feels like I’m pet … | Continue reading
It’s the buffalo of the backyard. Yes, when you’re a kid you live off that hose. It’s your friend. It’s your enemy. It keeps your entire afternoon moving with ritual cool downs, face-spraying entertainment, and lots of rust-and-plastic flavored water to keep you hydrated. Oh sure … | Continue reading
It’s better than half the stuff in the gallery. AWESOME! Check out 3 Books! Photo from: here | Continue reading
It’s the warm underwear from the dryer of the summer. Yes, warm sandals are a tender hug for cold feet and a sweet escape from scalding sand. Just slip them on and say AWESOME! Photo from: here | Continue reading
First, there is nothing. You mindlessly walk into the Sea of Cars from the mall and start tapping your remote over and over and over again into quiet and silent night. Foggy memories of parking near the pizza smell by the back slowly hit you and you groggily stumble forward like … | Continue reading
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My friend Ago got excited. We were hanging out after work the other day and he started going on and on about how the previous owners of his new house had planted perennial flowers. “They just popped outta the ground,” he said, completely astonished, eyes popping wide like a giant … | Continue reading
It’s like finding a secret button that gives you complete control over your furry friend. Just scratch once for AWESOME! | Continue reading
It’s time for open egg surgery. Sure, maybe you didn’t make it in med school, but now’s your chance to tenderly crack open the egg skull and reveal the soft white brain below. After you successfully remove a giant chunk all at once make sure to delicately leave it on the plate be … | Continue reading
That pesky mosquito. Did you know those jabby jerks are responsible for more deaths on earth than any other creature? With millions of people getting malaria every year they’re bringing us all down, down, down. And they look so innocent too! Why, I almost feel sorry for them with … | Continue reading
It haunts you on every turn. The muted thump of that half-filled water bottle, grass-stained golf ball, or pair of skates clanging against the side of your trunk. And you think it’s annoying, and you think you’ll get rid of it, but when you arrive at your destination it’s suddenl … | Continue reading
Thank you for being a friend. When you’re crashing into the couch in the cold basement and flicking on the TV screen there’s nothing as nice as being surrounded by your favorite pals in familiar places. And while we’ve chatted before about finding gold there’s also something grea … | Continue reading
Have you ever ruled a planet? Me, no. But I’ve wanted to! Wouldn’t it be fun? We could all have our own. We’d be like celebrities buying up tiny islands in the middle of the ocean. Only with planets in the middle of the universe. Perhaps if Science actually got off its ass and in … | Continue reading
When your groggy groans are met with head nods and smiles it means only one thing. You two are on the same wavelength. AWESOME! — Email message — “For English, our Year 10 class wrote an essay on the topic ‘Write a letter to your parents explaining the important messages about li … | Continue reading
Get out and start dripping. Yes, it’s time to swish your bathing suit wedgie over to the beach chair by the water and lie down on the soaking wet plastic for a sun dry. Who cares if your hair is a scraggly mat of chlorine knots? Who cares if your goosebumpy jello-thighs are dripp … | Continue reading