A Review of My Parents’ Holiday Performance of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Edward Albee’s 1962 classic play has been adapted numerous times throughout the decades but never like the immersive performance put on by Debbie a... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Jesus Christ Applies for VP of Student Success

To the Hiring Committee:My name is Jesus Christ, and I am applying for the posted position of Vice President of Student Success. While I have no p... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Your Parenting Choices Have Caused the Apocalypse

Mom, Dad, thank you for being here. And by “here,” I mean on this last WhatsApp call before the internet goes down forever.You were super parents!... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Only Seven Phrases You Will Need on Your Wedding Day

Congratulations, you’re a bride! Even though today is mostly about your mom showing off to her frenemy Sharon, there’s still a lot riding on you. I... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch Cereal

A decade back, Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal had a mascot. He was a stocky little chef, white as a snowman from hat to chubby cheeks, and not entire... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Due to Supply-Chain Issues, Mommy Will Be Unable to Fill Your Order

Dear Valued Customer,As you may or may not be aware—depending on whether Daniel Tiger has done an episode yet about global economics—the pandemic ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

When the Teleprompter Discovered Kierkegaard

[ROLL MUSIC CUE: INTRO STINGER/LOGO GFX PACKAGE]SAM: Welcome to Entertainment Now. I’m Samantha Carrington…TAYLOR: And I’m Taylor Knight.SAM: Fa... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Beaver of Fine Arts: Closing Remarks for an MFA Commencement: What Google Maps Doesn’t Tell You About the Road Ahead

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@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Email Signature I, Your Exhausted Nonbinary Coworker, Actually Want to Use

Kind regards,Alex Russell- - -Many of my co-workers have recently started putting their preferred pronouns in their email signatures. This is ver... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Peter Orner on Bernard Malamud

Two Jews sitting around talking about Bernard Malamud—that’s me and Peter Orner, me in Seattle, him in Hanover, New Hampshire, where he directs the... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Labor Shortage Hits Scrooge & Marley

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@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Here at Time Magazine, We’ve Decided This Is One of Those Years We Pick a Person Who Sucks

Every year, we pick someone to be our “Person of the Year.” It’s one of the things we’re most famous for doing. Some years, we pick someone really ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

We Feel You Have Not Been Sufficiently Notified of Our School’s Early Dismissal on Friday

“Good evening, CHERRY HILL ELEMENTARY parents. We wanted to make you aware that the Friday before winter break will be an early-out day. Students ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Well, Well, Well, If It Isn’t the Woke Mob Here to Cancel Me for Loudly Farting at the Height of My Saxophone Solo

Would you look at that, right on cue, here they come with their cancel cudgels—it’s the intolerant left, trying to cancel me for the “thought crime... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

A Romance Novelist Desperately Tries to Romanticize Midwestern Winter

Fate brought them together, the way his car happened to slide into hers when he lost traction in the Schnucks parking lot.- - -He looked at her an... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

We’re Sorry, You Can’t Join Our Street Gang Because You Don’t Know Ballet

Hey daddio, listen here. We know you’ve been itching to join our rough and tumble street gang, but I’ve got bad news, bucko: you just don’t got the... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

A Nakatomi Employee Ponders: Is This a Christmas Hostage Situation?

As the Euro terrorists fired their machine guns into the air and their leader announced he had murdered my boss, a nagging question crept into my m... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Famous Male Writers Text “U Up?”

Raymond ChandlerRight about this time of night, there are two kinds of girls in this town. The good ones asleep in their beds, and the bad ones wh... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Good Parents Capitalize on Their Individual Strengths. My Wife’s Is Seeing to Our Kids’ Every Need, and Mine Is Roughhousing

The secret to a good parenting partnership is for parents to play to their strengths. For instance, my wife is organized, diligent, loving, and car... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Found Diaries of Duck from Click, Clack, Moo

November 8How I resent the burden of neutrality. It seems that whenever Farmer Brown has a problem, he turns to me.November 9The cows have a poi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Jo March Starts a Substack

Now and then, in this workaday world, things do happen in the delightful storybook fashion, and I dare say this is one of those times. For as much ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Will I Have Diarrhea? A Flow Chart

Will I Have Diarrhea? A Flow Chart | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Remember, Teachers: Texas Law Requires Anti-Santa Viewpoints

“A new Texas law designed to limit how race-related subjects are taught in public schools comes with so little guidance, the on-the-ground applica... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The One-Question Career Test

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@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Brian Wilson Gets Yacht Blocked

Dear Mr. Wilson:RE: Package from You, July 5th, 2021.We appreciate you sending your latest LP, At My Piano, in advance of its release. Of course,... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Oscar Wilde’s The NFT of Dorian Gray

Lord Henry flung himself onto the divan and said to the beautiful Dorian Gray, “Mr. Gray, the aim of life is self-development. We must remember wha... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

How to Write Like an Academic

If you’ve been away from academia for a few years, you may have forgotten how to write in a way that’s suitable for higher education. Not to worry,... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Democratic Party’s Guide to Keeping Your Rights

We at the Democratic Party understand that you all have rights and want to keep them. We love that for you. But lately, we’ve heard some concerns. ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Thanks, Mississippi. I Can’t Wait to Have it All

“The case that could lead to the end of Roe v. Wade includes a novel argument: that the right to an abortion is no longer necessary because it has ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

If All the Back Alleys Are Flooded, Where Will I Get an Abortion?

“The Supreme Court seemed poised on Wednesday to uphold a Mississippi law that bans abortions after 15 weeks of pregnancy, based on sometimes tense... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

How to Get a Writing Job in Hollywood According to My Parents

1. First of all, you don’t need to move to Hollywood to get a writing job. There are plenty of things to write for here in our suburban New Jersey ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

We’re a Small, Family-Owned Business and We No Longer Value Your Feedback

After years of sending you post-purchase emails asking you to rate and review your shopping experience at Hygge Home Goods, your local shop for coz... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Some Worthy Causes for Giving Tuesday

Hello Friends,On Giving Tuesday, we thought we could highlight some of the nonprofits we admire, in case you’re looking for worthy causes.THE VAL... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Put Away That Whip — I’m Not That Kind of Dungeon Master

Well, first off, I’m very excited you two chose me as your dungeon master. You seem like a lovely couple, and I’m stoked to jump right into this ad... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

I’m Running for Congress Because It’s the Only Way I Will Be Able to Receive Paid Family Leave

I stand before you today to announce that I have officially decided to run for Congress. As with most of our current elected officials, I do not ca... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Betting Guide: Narrative Conflict Edition

Point spreads are in parentheses. Our picks are in CAPS.Welcome, bettors! With the All-Star game over, the second half of the season is just aroun... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Wake Up, You are Joining the Marvel Cinematic Universe and You Need to Start Taking Steroids Right Now

I’m not Nick Fury. I am an intern at Disney. My name is Sunshine Pacino. I am Al Pacino’s nephew. My entire job is to tell people they are being ro... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Announcing Mauve Monday

On this Black Friday and Cyber Monday, you could give more money to Amazon, or…You could give some to independent bookstores. If you do, we will g... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The New Ten-Factor Authentication Processes

Dear Faculty,Beginning next semester, we will be moving from two-factor to ten-factor authentication requirements for accessing the university’s d... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Post-Dinner Interview with a Twelve-Year-Old Who Sat at the Grown-Ups’ Table for the First Time on Thanksgiving

REPORTER: I’m here live with Ted moments after completing his first Thanksgiving dinner at the Grown-Ups’ Table. At only 12 years and 209 days, you... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Traditions for Your Special Thanksgiving Day

If mashed potatoes and gravy see each other before dinnertime, their partnership is doomed to fail. That’s why they get ready in separate dishes. S... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Plymouth Colony, 1621: The First Turkey Trot

“Nearly all of what historians have learned about the first Thanksgiving comes from a single eyewitness report: a letter written in December 1621 ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Have You Been the Victim of a Vaccine Mandate? If So, You May Be Entitled

“President Joe Biden is betting that his unprecedented coronavirus vaccine mandate will prevail against a flurry of lawsuits aiming to strike it do... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Coming Soon from the Roald Dahl Cinematic Universe

“Netflix … sees the Dahl company as the foundation [of] a potential ‘universe,’ a catalog that can be mined for several overlapping films and TV sh... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

I Won’t Eat This Tofurky Unless I Can Shove Stuffing Up Its Asshole

So, that’s Tofurky, huh? Oh man, this is awkward. I appreciate you having me over for Thanksgiving, and I think it’s great that you’re living a veg... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Here Are Ten Facts About International Men’s Day, As I Solemnly Walk into the Ocean

1. International Men’s Day (IMD) takes place every November 19th, so a heavy jacket is best if you plan to celebrate outdoors or—like me—solemnly w... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Brandon, Our New “LET’S GO, BRANDON” Yard Sign Has Nothing to Do With Your Upcoming Spelling Quiz

"The phrase ’Let’s go Brandon’ made its way into the US political discourse after a reporter misquoted a crowd chanting an obscenity about Biden, w... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Draco Malfoy’s College Recommendation Letter That I Totally Don’t Feel Conflicted About Writing Whatsoever

To Whom It May Concern,As Director of College Counseling at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, it is my unique privilege and contractual ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago