“I gave a long news conference today after wishing the military a Happy Thanksgiving, & realized once again that the Fake News Media coordinate... | Continue reading
Originally published November 26, 2003.- - -Q: A caller just said she forgot to baste every 10 minutes. I advised her to serve the turkey anyway. ... | Continue reading
MARY: Are you seriously bringing that?WILLIAM: Of course I am, I spent forty hours making this thing.MARY: Yeah, I know, and it didn’t fit in our... | Continue reading
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1. “With Thanksgiving at stake, how should they have given a thought to anything like plague, which rules out any future, cancels journeys, silence... | Continue reading
Friends and compatriots—Amazon doesn’t need your money.Small bookstores, and independent businesses generally, do. Good god, they do, more than e... | Continue reading
Harry Chapin’s 1974 classic “Cats in the Cradle” is a timeless meditation on the tragedy of growing older and growing apart. But you can’t just rep... | Continue reading
To download a PDF of this entire list, click here.- - -Early in President Trump’s term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning num... | Continue reading
Normally, the holiday season is too busy to waste precious time making a giant wicker horn filled with fruit. You’d be preoccupied with prepping th... | Continue reading
Dear Staff, Students, Parents, College Community, and last but certainly not least, Faculty —I can say with a huge sigh of relief, after an arduou... | Continue reading
1. Peeing standing up.2. Swinging it around like a helicopter.3. Reaching things from the top shelf.4. Wearing the same pair of pants to work al... | Continue reading
I’ve said it before, but I like to refresh this little welcome. Sure, I’ve spent over 20 years sharing stages and microphones with some of the smar... | Continue reading
As long-time residents of this city ever since rising property values piqued our interest in heavily developing it, we know that Ernie’s Kitchen ha... | Continue reading
“One of President Trump’s top advisers on the coronavirus pandemic raised concerns on Monday about excluding older family members from Thanksgiving... | Continue reading
“The underwhelming first glimpse of the Norway spruce seemed a metaphor for 2020’s troubles. But perhaps the tree just needs a little time to relax... | Continue reading
Hi, all! I’m back with my ALARMING CLAVICLES to welcome you for this twenty-minute, HIGH-INTENSITY interval workout you’ve tried to start during th... | Continue reading
To our Trump-supporting relatives, friends, colleagues, and acquaintances:We need to talk.Let’s settle this once and for all.He lost.President ... | Continue reading
Dear applicant,Thank you for your interest in working at our company. We’ve received your application, and we’re positively over the moon that you... | Continue reading
Our good friend, poet Ilya Kaminsky, knows contemporary poetry like no one else. We’re proud to be publishing his mini-reviews and one-question int... | Continue reading
1. Lead singer David Coverdale lights a Yankee Candle in his dressing room. Drummer Aynsley Dunbar smells something autumnal wafting towards him o... | Continue reading
Hello! I’m sorry to say — you’ve died. The good news is you were a Pomeranian with over 100,000 followers on Instagram and a sponsorship from a bee... | Continue reading
A talent agent is sitting in his office. A man walks in.“Not you again?” says the talent agent. “Your last act got booed off the stage.”“Wait, he... | Continue reading
To download a PDF of this entire list, click here.- - -Early in President Trump’s term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning num... | Continue reading
I know you’re looking for a new binge, and I can’t recommend Jericho Creek enough. Now, it starts off slow, and it takes some time to find its foo... | Continue reading
If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is how I got it, and what a lousy year this has been, and how my ... | Continue reading
Parler has proved particularly popular among Trump supporters and right-wing conservatives. Such groups have frequently accused Twitter and Faceboo... | Continue reading
Our good friend, poet Ilya Kaminsky, knows contemporary poetry like no one else. We’re proud to be publishing his mini-reviews and one-question int... | Continue reading
We’ve all been there. You’re about to rock, and then something happens. A spiked bracelet catches in a buddy’s blow-out. A leg seizes into a no-jok... | Continue reading
I started my presidency with a great economy and now there’s a terrible economy and by mistake I dropped my phone in the toilet while I was tweetin... | Continue reading
Hello, Josh!We really enjoyed your first draft of the United States One Dollar Bill! Everyone around the office was mostly THRILLED with your idea... | Continue reading
I’m just plum flummoxed, Jerry. You know as well as anyone that I was willing to give Nyarlathotep the benefit of the doubt four years ago. I knew ... | Continue reading
In 1820…A tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it. It can’t be determined if it made a sound.In 2020…A tree falls in a forest,... | Continue reading
“Just in the last day, Trump’s informal campaign adviser, a religious ally, a Republican governor and conservative media personalities have all com... | Continue reading
The Ordinary World: You know the signs: you’re struggling to get out of bed, you’re living in your “daytime” pajamas, and you don’t even feel joy a... | Continue reading
Our good friend, poet Ilya Kaminsky, knows contemporary poetry like no one else. We’re proud to be publishing his mini-reviews and one-question int... | Continue reading
The American Girl Doll Company extends its line of historical characters with a peek into another one of our country’s bygone eras. Joining the ran... | Continue reading
To download a PDF of this entire list, click here.- - -Early in President Trump’s term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning num... | Continue reading
Good morning, Mountain Lions,This is your principal speaking, with your weekly West Valley High COVID-19 health update. First of all, I want to th... | Continue reading
After being released from the New York State penitentiary following a fourteen-month sentence for tax fraud, Ivanka Trump announces she’ll be joini... | Continue reading
Our good friend, poet Ilya Kaminsky, knows contemporary poetry like no one else. We’re proud to be publishing his mini-reviews and one-question int... | Continue reading
I didn’t want to cross the room to put you in MMA sleeper hold, but you didn’t give me a choice, did you? I just wanted to come to my favorite wate... | Continue reading
To download a PDF of this entire list, click here.- - -Early in President Trump’s term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning num... | Continue reading
Good morrow, everyone! As your new King, I, Malcolm, do vow henceforth to serve proud Scotland with a noble heart and to forgive you ingrates for c... | Continue reading
“A Michigan court rejected a Trump campaign filing challenging the results in the state, calling the motion “defective” because it lacked several r... | Continue reading
While there are still plenty of mail-in ballots to be counted, the results are clear: I, Joe Biden, am the next President of the United States.Ame... | Continue reading
People of the Republic!Rebel fighters have at last dealt the Empire a fatal blow. With a blast heard around the galaxy, our forces have destroyed ... | Continue reading
“The inaccurate-polls reveal is a bit of a rehash, don’t you think?”- - -“I’m confused: is the McConnell character intended to be human, or?”- - ... | Continue reading
- - -My Gaza offers a startling perspective on contemporary Gaza. Photographer Jehad al-Saftawi documents his life there up until his escape, in 2... | Continue reading