AWESOME! | Continue reading
Have you ever seen a plastic factory explosion? Well let me tell you something, homegirl: It’s not a pretty sight. Toxic burnt-rubber fumes fill the air, black billowing clouds mushroom overhead, and factory guys in singed overalls run screaming in all directions. And scattered a … | Continue reading
When I was growing up we had an extra bedroom in the basement that nobody ever used. It had no windows and was coated in thick purple shag carpet and soft velvety wallpaper. There was nothing inside except an old bed with a bouncy broken mattress, a couple pillows, and piles of t … | Continue reading
Fast as possible, clear as possible, classy as possible. AWESOME! Photo from: here | Continue reading
Bow down, dirty rascals. When you’re king of castle the entire school kneels before you: 1. Romeo has left the building. Those annoying older kids who got all the lead roles in school plays and starter spots on sports teams have graduated and gone far, far away. So wherefore art … | Continue reading
AWESOME! Illustration from: Monsieur Cabinet | Continue reading
We used to pee in ponds. Believe it — back before the third millennium BC there was no such thing as toilets. It was sometime around then we all agreed that pooping in the corner was to be frowned upon and so began the dawn of “The Age of Cleanliness.” One place toilets first pop … | Continue reading
First, some apologies. We’re sorry, Endurance Wrapper. You spent thirty minutes getting the present just right with your scissor-frilled ribbons, crisply folded corners, and those adorable little bows. You put time in and we didn’t respect that with your raccoon-with-rabies slaug … | Continue reading
Every city has a street. It’s the quiet cul-de-sac where all the neighbors play it big for Christmas and decorate their homes with the great light show the world has ever seen. Word gets out through the local paper or radio station and soon everyone knows it’s just the place to g … | Continue reading
It’s a wonderful life. When you’re bunkering in the basement to get away from the holiday madness upstairs, it’s always nice when the channel flipping pops you onto your favorite old flashback. Which classic gem burrows into your heart? • That Rudolph stop-motion special. Sam the … | Continue reading
AWESOME! Illustration from: Monsieur Cabinet | Continue reading
Be one with the stir fry. Last night I worked late in cubicle jungle and drove down dark highways to arrive at my cold and lonely apartment after 8pm. After flicking on a couple lamps, turning on the stereo, and staring in the fridge, I decided to suddenly get ambitious and fry u … | Continue reading
You’re out for dinner. You’re having a chat in your booth when a rogue child suddenly appears at your table. Everybody stops to look at the Junior Runaway, living the romantic nomadic life between sticky tables and wobbly chairs at the chain restaurant. There are smiles, a couple … | Continue reading
Do you remember RSVPs? Yes, back in second grade when I scored a birthday party invite there was some social protocol that followed. I put the brightly colored cardboard on the fridge, we checked the kitchen calendar, and my mom phoned the other kid’s mom to let them know I’d be … | Continue reading
What’s your favorite local diner? Mine has gotta be California Sandwiches, a tiny hole-in-the-wall wedged between rusting clapboard houses in the middle of downtown Toronto. Sure, the word “sandwiches” is spelled wrong on the sign, the floor is always greasy, and the bathrooms ma … | Continue reading
The Meal Echo is any perfectly recreated plate of turkey, veggies, stuffing, and pie made from all the leftovers from yesterday’s pig-out. Microwaved brussels sprouts, steamed turkey chunks, and stirred up gravy all combine into a perfect follow-up to the feast. AWESOME! | Continue reading
Let freedom ring from the felt-covered walls of cubicle farms. Let freedom ring from the dimly lit university dorms. Let freedom ring from cell phones at the back of the train. Let freedom ring from laptops at the back of the plane. But not only that — let freedom ring from daily … | Continue reading
It’s time to fill your plate with two kinds of pie, Grandma’s homemade squares, a few scattered pieces of fruit, and a big swirl of whipped cream over everything. Nobody will judge you on Thanksgiving. Just make sure you use the big plate. AWESOME! Photo from: here | Continue reading
Standing is big. After all, we’re the audience here — we came, we paid, we get to sit down. The deal is we put our feet up, spill popcorn everywhere, and whisper to our friends while you prance about trying to entertain us. Dance your little dance, speech your little speech, play … | Continue reading
You’re like a cat. Maybe it’s Sunday afternoon and you’re exhausted after a long week. Teething babies, bickering boyfriends, everything’s taken its toll. So when you spot that bright sunbeam shining through the window pane it’s time to collapse on the dusty carpet in the front r … | Continue reading
No cookie on the white stuff. No white stuff on the cookie. AWESOME! Photo from: here | Continue reading
Man, that’s one long celery stick. I’m not sure if just one dip in our communal bowl of ranch dressing will be enough to coat that big green stick with enough sauce to get the job done. No, you better dip the second half in too, wet stringy bits and all, so you really get … | Continue reading
Are you a fourth quarter fan? Those are the folks who flip the game on with five minutes left to catch the big finish. When it’s a lopsided score they shut it off but when it’s all tied up they think “Good thing I didn’t waste two hours watching everything until now!” When the sc … | Continue reading
I am a terrible baseball player. When I was in Little League we got to use aluminum bats but they were too heavy for my spaghetti-noodle arms to swing properly. Opponents caught on to my weakness pretty quick and I would stand there in my gray Velcro sneakers watching three strai … | Continue reading
Bob, Betty, Barry, you don’t know the shame. Only Bilal, Baxter, and Bernadette know the pain of turning a squeaky metal rack full of tiny plastic doorplates and failing to find their name. My friend Agostino has a great story about how he found his dad’s name on a toothbrush in … | Continue reading
My buddy Mike’s a sugar rat. Whenever I visit his apartment downtown we end up watching movies, playing video games, and ordering pizza. And when we’re done snacking I always turn to him and say, “Hey man, you got any chocolate or anything?” We’re close, me and Mike, and have lon … | Continue reading
My first girlfriend may have been an alien. Sure, she looked normal, she dressed normal, she seemed normal, but she actually liked those oozing cherry-syrup-in-the-middle chocolates from the chocolate box. You know, the ones wrapped in gold foil and stuffed with that bizarre, mut … | Continue reading
Sunshine scatters in speckled shadows on pebble-coated roads as you cruise through the neighborhood on a sunny Sunday afternoon. Tufts of grass punch through asphalt cracks, rusty sewers clink under your wheels, and kids race down crumbly sidewalks on wobbly bikes. Shimmery rays … | Continue reading
It’s cold, it’s chilly, it’s November. That’s why was strange when my friend Jenn was dropping her daughter off at school last week and noticed a student wearing shorts. “Wait, it’s freezing out,” she said to her daughter while zipping up her jacket and pulling her hat over her h … | Continue reading
When I drop a hard chunk of butter onto a slice of hot toast I like to pretend I’m an adventure guide helping a pack of rich tourists through some rough jungle terrain when we suddenly stumble upon some dangerous quicksand in our path. “Stay back,” I caution, squinting my eyebrow … | Continue reading
It all started with Murg Mirch Tikka. About ten years ago when I was crashing full-time at my parent’s place my friend Stephen and I would drive downtown for the weekend jams. Of course, by weekend jams I mean chicken finger dinners at local pubs, birthday dinners at busy restaur … | Continue reading
Does your station have a tell? Sometimes it’s that little commercial before the break ends where the network just advertises itself for fifteen seconds. “Tune in afterwards for the news,” they say, as your eagle eyes and trigger thumb pound the “Play” button before the show begin … | Continue reading
Babies stay put. Set a newborn on a couch cushion, kitchen table, or pull-out bed and it just lies around making spit bubbles. And sure, baby grows older, starts crawling, starts bashing into walls, but it isn’t until she begins riding a bike that everything really opens up. Yes, … | Continue reading
Making movies ain’t easy. Script ideas are batted around in basements, screenplays are slaved over under dim desk lamps, edits are massaged for months in coffee shop corners, ideas are pitched in glassy boardrooms, storyboards are drawn in dusty studios, phone calls are made and … | Continue reading
I stayed at my parent’s place last week. Now, I don’t know about you, but my parents go to bed about four hours earlier than I do. Pajamas and dental floss come out around eight o’clock and a late-night mug of warm milk and some idle newspaper flipping fills the family room befor … | Continue reading
Welcome back, fourth grade classmate. We forgot you existed, boss from the burger joint. Thanks for coming back for a tea, Grandma. Yes, life is full of twists and tunnels and old relationships sometimes disappear into the well. So when someone from your past makes a Cameo Dream … | Continue reading
I sat beside a Curled Up Ball on a flight recently. Poor girl hadn’t been on a plane before and was gripping the armrests, gritting her teeth, and eyeballing the barf bag the entire trip. Me, I was enjoying unlimited tomato juice, an insightful in-flight magazine article about ho … | Continue reading
Get lost, elevator jazz. Hang up, hold music. Pack your bags, grocery store soundtrack. Your whispering background noise is an insult to music everywhere. Yes, when the soul-lifting beauty of music dissolves into fluorescent-dim worlds of three-piece suits, can-clinking carts, an … | Continue reading
What do you call a six-month nap? AWESOME! Photo from: here | Continue reading
My friends Mike and Kathryn had a baby last year. I was out visiting them on the west coast recently and we spent a quiet night on the couch playing with their diaper-clad, chubby-legged, wide-eyed son Malcolm. We took turns rocking him, yanking on his toes, and holding him above … | Continue reading
Things start, things finish. Just sometimes not at the same time. 1. Ketchup and mustard. While you’re fart-squeezing that big bottle of ketchup I’m guessing the squat bottle of yellow mustard is still sitting pretty full right beside you, even though it expired in 2005. No need … | Continue reading
AWESOME! | Continue reading
It’s a Solo Chuckle. Laughing when you’re by yourself happens when you’re watching a forwarded video in your dimly lit dormroom, lying in the La-Z-Boy catching a TV Treasure Chest Moment, or just having a little Laugh Echo as you’re about to fall asleep. Now there’s something spe … | Continue reading
I have a slow commute. Living downtown and working in the burbs means I jam through highways and sidestreets coming home every night. Sideways rain and hockey games slow everything down and sometimes I find myself tire-crawling all the way. I’m a fidgety person so when I’m stuck … | Continue reading
Nothing worse than a wobbler. Water glasses start spilling, silverware starts clattering, and conversations get the bump-off when the table goes thumping and your dinner plate gets jumping. That’s when it’s time to quadruple-fold a napkin and get your hands dirty in those tiny pe … | Continue reading
Here’s one for you. Did you know that pockets and purses are distant cousins? Well, sure enough, grandma, it’s true! See, there were once no pockets. Before the 1500s everyone presumably stuffed cell phones into socks and stored minivan keyless remotes under top hats. But eventua … | Continue reading
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF8uR6Z6KLc] Thank you for showing us the power of passion. And thank you for being AWESOME! Stay hungry. Stay foolish. | Continue reading
It’s pretty simple. A line of kids hold hands on one side of the playground while a kid from the other side runs at them with a head full of steam and tries to bust through. The game’s not over until the field is littered with broken arms, bloody noses, and shattered glasses. It’ … | Continue reading