The Introduction from the Texas Abortion Bounty Hunter’s Handbook

Thank you for your interest in saving the lives of precious, little six-week-old embryos all across our great state of Texas. By committing to join... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Why I’m Doing My Own Research Before Using a Seat Belt

Experts, the CDC, and the media keep telling us that seat belts dramatically reduce the risk of death and serious injury when using a car. But I’ve... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

An Excerpt from My New Anxiety Dream Where I Personally Break the Global Supply Chain

“When it comes to the current state of the global supply chain, weakness is everywhere. Massive dislocations are present in the container market, ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Quiz: Can You Get Your Invoice Paid?

As a freelancer, there are a few key ways to ensure your invoices get paid on time. Consider the following options to find out whether or not you h... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

There’s Never Been a Worst Time in History to Be a Man (Stuck in a Hole)

Fellas, it’s tough out there. After going unchecked since the onset of time, a day of reckoning has come for men. More than just being held account... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Guide to Making Friends as an Adult, According to Hades, Greek God of the Underworld

Making friends as an adult can be challenging. Especially if, like me, you’re the celestial ruler of Tartarus, the abode of the damned. I spent so ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Every Asian American Celebrity Interview

INTERVIEWER: So your movie is a huge box office and critical hit.ASIAN AMERICAN CELEBRITY: It is, it’s insane.INTERVIEWER: How do your parents fe... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Bruce Springsteen, Renaissance Poet

“To His Coy Mistress”Baby, if we had more time,This coyness, Mary, ’d be no crimeWith nowhere else on earth to goWe’d drive around and take it ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I Am an Anti-Racist Feminist, Except When It Interferes with My Career as an Academic

My unwavering commitment to the equality of all people, to dismantling the hegemony that has kept so many oppressed for so long, is my raison d’êtr... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

A Middle of the Date Questionnaire

Thank you for joining us for a date this evening. Before we move forward in the process, we’d like you to fill out this brief survey. We’re asking ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Scenes from Overlook Elementary

Scenes from Overlook Elementary | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Dear McSweeney’s Crossword Puzzle

In honor of the release of Dear McSweeney’s: Two Decades of Letters to the Editor from Writers, Readers, and the Occasional Bewildered Consumer, cr... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Fourteen Short Obituaries for the Modern Woman

1. Lily passed peacefully, immediately after her therapist finally laughed at one of her jokes.2. After a valiant battle with imposter syndrome, O... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

McSweeney’s Books: An Interview With Shelly Oria, Editor of Indelible in the Hippocampus: Writings from the Me Too Movement

Originally published October 1, 2019.- - -Amanda Uhle spoke with Shelly Oria on the WCBN podcast Living Writers about the collection Oria edited, ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Introducing Manlight: The Nightlight for Men Who Aren’t Afraid of the Dark

Here’s the thing about men. We’re fearless.We punch through BRICKS with our BARE HANDS. We ride DIRT BIKES and eat SALTY MEATS. We’re also not eve... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Our Faculty Success Initiative Redefines Everything You Thought You Knew About “Faculty” and “Success”

Thank you, everyone, for completing the Faculty Success Survey. During these challenging times, we understand that many of you are feeling great st... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Adam and Eve Decide Who Should Be in Charge of Childbirth

God came to Adam and Eve and said that one of them would have to bear children. Adam puffed his chest out and answered in a tone of cocky confidenc... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

The Founders Would Like to Remind You They’ve Been Dead for Nearly Two Hundred Years

In the current era of hyper-partisanship, many have taken to using out-of-context quotes by us and asking what we would think of pretty much any po... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Eleanor Wilner

When I was in college I found my way to the study of history because I’m interested in what and how we remember, but I found my way to poetry—or po... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

So You Just Announced Your Divorce Bingo

- - -Preorder Kimberly Harrington’s new book BUT YOU SEEMED SO HAPPY. You can also buy a version of this BINGO card at Sapling Press. | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Hercule Poirot Joins Nextdoor

GUN WITNESSHeather Chapman | 5 Bradford LaneSubject: Loud bang at 11:28 p.m.?Did anyone else hear a series of loud bangs last night? It woke my... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Beaver of Fine Arts: Pop Quiz: A Beaver’s Study Guide to Art History

Beaver of Fine Arts: Pop Quiz: A Beaver's Study Guide to Art History | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Excerpts from McSweeney’s Quarterly: Delandria

Art by Fritz Lang- - -This piece, selected by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie for the 2021 O. Henry Prize, originally appeared in McSweeney’s 55. To get... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Excerpts from McSweeney’s Quarterly: Becoming the Baby Girl

This piece, selected by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie for the 2021 O. Henry Prize, originally appeared in McSweeney’s 56. To get stories like this on yo... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

The Sixth Circle of Hell Will Be Closed Tuesdays Due to a Shortage of Workers

The Sixth Circle of Hell will be closed Tuesdays until further notice. Due to government handouts, no one wants to dangle you heretics over lakes o... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Sandra Lim

Heat, in Sandra Lim’s stunning new collection The Curious Thing, is understandable. Can be described. “Our bodies swelled and stank,” she writes of... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Welcome to A Musical Theater Program That Is Now Accepting Multiple People of Color

Dear BIPOCStudent6,Congratulations! You have been accepted into A Musical Theater Program That Is Now Accepting Multiple People of Color! Yes, yes... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

A Note to My Remaining Students at the Close of the 2021 Fall Semester

Dear class,I am extremely pleased with the work you all were able to accomplish this semester. I know we all faced some adversity over the past fe... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Miss Trunchbull Asks That You Reconsider Her Methods, Post-Pandemic

Years ago, as many of you know, I, Agatha Trunchbull, was driven from my career in education by a telekinetic pest with a vendetta against me. I ha... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Never Forget: The Other 9/11 Kids

Muslims will “never forget” 9/11 for very different reasons. The fact that even writing that sentence feels blasphemous speaks to the guilt that Mu... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I Hadn’t the Slightest Idea That My Life Would Change

I hadn’t the slightest idea that my life would change. It was two weeks into my freshman year of college. I was living away from home for the first... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

The Film Treatment for Ingmar Bergman’s Escape (The Piña Colada Song)

1.In a remote community in nineteenth-century Sweden, a husband and wife—the grocer Johan (Max von Sydow) and the pianist Karin (Liv Ullmann)—deba... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Teachers, Are You Fed Up? Become a School Administrator and Experience a Different Kind of Fed Up

Teachers: COVID has thinned the applicant pool for administrator positions. YOU can fill the need for fresh educational professionals TODAY. Simply... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

9/11 Narratives Like My Own Are Usually Silenced

As the 20th anniversary of the September 11th attacks approaches, I recognize that our country should learn about those tragic events, but I take i... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Ted Lasso Is a Shining Example of Kindness and Decency, and Critics Who Disagree Should Burn in Hell Forever

“Despite the irony of furious takedowns and defensiveness inspired by a show about treating people with respect, Ted Lasso has become a shibboleth ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Neo, You Can Take the Blue Pill or You Can Take the Red Pill. Either is Fine, Honestly. Just Don’t Take the Ivermectin

Neo, this is your last chance. You take the blue pill—the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take th... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Fady Joudah

There are many threads and styles and moods in Fady Joudah’s Tethered to Stars—the book is a constellation of these things—but at one point a gorge... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

In This House, We’re an All-American Football Family

We’re a team.We stick together.We root for each other.When life’s tough, we don’t quit until we punch it in the end zone.We call football “foot... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Clif Builders Chocolate Peanut Butter Flavor Minis

The Clif Bar company’s motto is Make It Good. A past one was Feed Your Adventure. These taglines don’t accord with my lived experience of scarfing ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Wake Up Sailors, Scurvy Is a Hoax

I’m just a lowly seventeenth-century British sailor, not some fancy-pants seventeenth-century British sawbones, but there’s one thing I know for su... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Commander Riker’s Annual Starfleet Performance Review

Performance review: the final frontier. This is the employee review of Commander William T. Riker of the USS Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

A Short Quiz for My Students in Lieu of Asking About Their Vaccine Status or Requesting That They Wear Masks

PART IShort Answer Questions1. Some who become ill with COVID-19 need to be intubated and placed on ventilators. Intubation is a painful, invasiv... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Atsuro Riley

Under the pressure to meet someone’s definition of the hip or the relevant, much contemporary poetry can seem skittish, ungrounded, neither here no... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

HR Answers Your Questions About Returning to the Office

Hi team,I hope this email finds you well. By now, you have no doubt read the memo from Corporate announcing that we’re going to return to the offi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Get the Vaccine Already

Hi, if you are reading this essay then congratulations, you are still alive. And if you are alive, then you have either gotten the COVID-19 vaccine... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Hi, if you are reading this essay then congratulations, you are still alive. And if you are alive, then you have either gotten the COVID-19 vaccine... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

We’re the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and Your Bill Has Gone to Collections

Dear Occupant —We have been trying to reach you regarding your outstanding Armageddon response.We see from your account that you originally recei... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Do Not Feed the Duck—You Will Only Enable Him

Do not feed the duck.Do not feed the duck bread. Bread offers little nutritional value for ducks, and the empty calories often cause bloat. Worse,... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago