Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing (So Far): Atrocities 1-759

To be read before the 2020 Presidential Election. Register to vote here.- - -ATROCITY KEY – Sexual Misconduct, Harassment, & Bullying – Whi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

In Retrospect, Wait-Listing You Was a Huge Mistake

Dear Bryan,Congratulations! We are so pleased to offer you admission to our class of 2024. We cannot express how excited we are to have you on cam... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Amateur Activist Humblebrags

I learned more from the film 13th than I did from the entire African Diaspora curriculum at NYU.I’ll have to spend a whole day by my pool just to ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Facial Hair Amongst the Liberal Elite

ALEXANDRA: I think it’s time, Michael.MICHAEL: Time we recognize Juneteenth as a national holiday? I agree, but how do we do that without it becom... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I’m the Guy Setting Off Fireworks Every Night In Your Neighborhood and I Have You Right Where I Want You

“From New York to Los Angeles to Hartford, Conn., complaints and reports about fireworks have ballooned over the last month.” — Time, 6/19/20- - -... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

CribbNotes: Study Guides for Bedtime Classics

The Cat in the Hat A manic eight-foot-tall cat cons its way into our narrator’s home and, through rhyming and whimsey, reveals to young readers h... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Better, More Vulnerable Surgeons

Cardiac Surgery ResidentHospital of the University of PennsylvaniaPhiladelphia, PA- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, whic... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Modern When Harry Met Sally Interludes

SPOUSE 1: Our first date was at this amazing little wine bar.SPOUSE 2: We start talking and it turns out that we both love all the same classic TV... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Dads of America, As Explained By Their Pants

Relaxed-fit jeans: Has answered the phone “Yello!” for 40+ yearsWrangler jeans: Offered you sips of his Lone Star beer when you were sixAthletic ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Pitchfork Reviews Your Dad’s Latest Diatribe

Back with his first full-length effort since 2018’s Sriracha, You Didn’t Say it Was THAT Spicy, Dad returns to interrogate his familiar themes of ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Dad Jokes Ruined By the Global Pandemic

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! I guess that’s social distancing for you. Good man, that scarecrow.Di... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

7 PM

Medical StudentColumbia University Irving Medical CenterNew York, NY- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I Am the Dad Who Installed Lava in the Rumpus Room Floor

First of all, thanks for being here on pretty short notice. I thought the controversy would have blown over by now, but it hasn’t, and I want to pu... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

The LSAT Gets a Makeover

Designers of the Law School Admissions Test are responding to requests to make the exam more relevant to our current times. As such, we are spendin... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Alright, Fine, I’ll Add a Disclaimer to My Emails

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This email does not create an attorney-client relationship. Probably. If it does, it will have said it does. Although it coul... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Celebrating the Hilarious Work of Brian Agler

Dear Readers,First of all, apologies: This letter is not as good as it could be; we’ll explain why later.Today we have the difficult task of shar... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Anti-Racism Resources From Your Usually Very Funny But Now Exhausted Black Friend

Hey, white folks! It’s your friendly, neighborhood black friend here. While you’re out there trying to change your birth certificate to “The Artist... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

An Open Letter to the Class of 2020 From a Dad Who Deserves Sympathy Too

Dear Class of 2020,I’ve heard you missed a lot because your spring semester was canceled. Though, like most dads, I’ve heard that I’m not the best... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

There is Always One Patient That Will Get to You

Second-year ER ResidentNew York- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the voices of doctors, nurses, healthcare ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Championship Net

- - -My high school had strict athletic requirements that I spent significant energy trying to work around. Winter sports were the most challengin... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Just Because They’ve Turned Against Humanity Doesn’t Mean We Should Defund the Terminator Program

“Following weeks of national protests since the death of George Floyd, President Donald Trump has signed an executive order he said would encourag... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

An Excerpt from Natasha Marin’s Black Imagination

- - -Natasha Marin’s Black Imagination (McSweeney’s, 2020) is a dynamic collection of Black voices. The book works like an incantation of origin, ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Murder Mystery or a Career in Academia?

1. Beautiful old building sucks you in.2. Why don’t these lights work?3. Oh yeah, it’s a trap.4. One by one, everyone is picked off.5. The vuln... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Living the Dream

Emergency PhysicianNew York Presbyterian, New York (temporary April & May 2020)San Francisco General Hospital & Stanford University, S... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I Am an Emerging Writer and My Abdomen Is Filled With Fluids

I’m an emerging writer, and the past few hours have been confusing, liberating, and tremendously itchy. I’m frightened and coated in a strange, gel... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

From This Moment Forward, I Will Only Accept Gratitude in the Form of Jet Flyovers

Listen, everyone. I’m a generous person. I care about others and I enjoy doing favors. But just a heads-up: from this point forward, I will only be... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

An Interview with Mike Birbiglia and J. Hope Stein About Their Book, The New One

In 2016, comedian Mike Birbiglia and poet J. Hope Stein took their 14-month-old daughter, Oona, to the Nantucket Film Festival. When the festival d... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

An Open Letter to the College Roommate I’ve Barely Spoken to Since Freshman Year Who Keeps Referring to Me as His Black Friend

Hey Bret,It’s been a while since freshman year, hasn’t it? Feels like just yesterday.I need to address a matter of concern that I have noticed on... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Cognitive Dissonance

Trauma and Critical Care SurgeonAssistant Professor and Director Center for Humanism and Ethics in Surgical SpecialtiesWashington University i... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I’m So Sorry You Had to Share the Same Space as Me and My Toddler

I’m so sorry; I didn’t mean to take up this much room on the sidewalk. I am obviously less than six feet away from you! Our stroller is enormous, ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

That Word Does Not Mean What You Think It Means

“Rayshard Brooks, 27, was shot in the parking lot of a Wendy’s in southeast Atlanta Friday night, after he scuffled with officers and allegedly ra... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

“We’re Tearing It All Down for Scrap Metal”: A Letter from the Chancellor Regarding Budget Cuts and Restructuring

Students, Faculty, and Staff:As you may already know, the university is searching for ways to restructure in the wake of funding losses from the o... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Are You a Landlord or Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide”?

1. Snow-covered hills are:A) The responsibility of the tenant. All maintenance under $25 is to be performed by the occupant, and last I checked, I... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Knot Fine

Child, Adolescent and Adult PsychiatristAssistant Professor in Clinical PsychiatryMedstar Georgetown University Hospital, Washington, DC- - ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Facepalm Pilot: Where Technology Meets Stupidity: An Interactive Guide to Ambiguous Grammar

Depending on whom you ask, the use of the active voice over the passive is arguably the most fundamental writer’s maxim, thought to lend we... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

A Note from Your University

Dear Students, Faculty, and Staff —After careful deliberation, we are pleased to report we can finally announce that we plan to re-open campus thi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Imagine if Hillary fired her cabinet officials via Twitter and then replaced them with members of a Fleetwood Mac tribute band and they played all ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

A University President Suggests to Dipping into the Endowment

To the esteemed members of our faculty and staff,First of all, let me say that I sincerely hope you are all safe and healthy during this trying ti... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Sure, the Velociraptors Are Still on the Loose, but We Can Reopen Jurassic Park

“Trump is shrugging off warnings by scientists that the easing restrictions taking place across the country could cause tens of thousands of death... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Emails from my children’s school before 8:00AM during the Covid-19 crisis

Monday, April 27, 2020, 6:00 AMGood morning! This is an email to let you know that we will be sending another email later this afternoon. That em... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Working from Home During a Global Pandemic Bingo

Working From Home During a Global Pandemic Bingo | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Signs You May Be a Female Character in a Work of Historical Fiction

Your name is Sarah.A stranger has walked up to you, explained how a system of transportation works, and left before you could further converse wit... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Imagined Monologues: Richard Dawkins Speaks of Santa at Kindergarten Talk (2006)

From an early point in your infancy, you people have been done a great injustice. Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas—the names may differ ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I’m Going to Close This Deal Using Business Words I Heard Men Yell in Airports

This is our 6th most-read article of 2018.- - -Thanks for hopping on this call today, gentleman. Who just joined? Did someone just join? I only h... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Translation of a NY Times Real Estate Article for Those Without a Trust Fund

When Guy Partnerman and Lady Millionaire purchased a brownstone in the most Brooklyn-themed neighborhood of Brooklyn, there was only one drawback: ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I Am the Final Question on Your Calculus Exam

Stop screaming. You aren’t screaming out loud, but your eyes are screaming. The screams reverberating around the inside of your skull are making yo... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

People Are Flushing Toilets 10 Times, 15 Times

We’re doing things. The lightbulb: They got rid of the lightbulb that people got used to. The new bulb is many times more expensive. And I hate ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I’m a Patagonia Vest Warrior Who Conquers Digital Mountains of XL Spreadsheet

I wake up knowing I will have to conquer yet another digital mountain. So I go to my closet, pull out my gear, and zip up my Patagonia vest. I am r... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago