Help, I’m Running Out of Ways to Make Showering in Europe Difficult

In my 20-something year career as France’s leading shower designer, I have created every imaginable variety of highly unusable water dispensary sys... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

8 Ways Men Can Wear Face Masks and Still Feel Manly

“Dick Cheney says WEAR A MASK. #realmenwearmasks” — Rep. Liz Cheney“Men less likely to wear face masks because they’re ‘not cool’ and ‘a sign of w... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Telemedicine Forces Me to Trust My Patients

Assistant Professor of Family MedicineCooper Medical School of Rowan UniversityCamden, NJ- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Cur... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

The Brave Little Toaster’s Radical Manifesto

The Brave Little Toaster was a book before it was a movie. Before the book, there was not simply the toaster, but many toasters, whose stories neve... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

A Message from Your University’s Vice President for Magical Thinking

Dear University Community,Since we first announced our plans to reopen this fall (a far too early decision given the lack of reliable data about t... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Decoding Your Teenager’s Glares: A Comprehensive Guide

Even though your teenager currently seems unable to speak to you, they actually are capable of communicating — through their glares. You may be thi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

20 Years from Now, Sometime in Mid-May

Family Medicine PhysicianSeattle, WA- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the voices of doctors, nurses, health... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

What Your Car Dealer Says and What He Really Means

I’m DONNY CONNELLY and this weekend at CONNELLY CAR BAZAAR is gonna be EX-PLOSIVE!1We’ve got an UNBEATABLE SELECTION of CARS and SUVs! We’ve got T... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Organizations Fighting for Racial Justice Need Your Donations

The movement for racial justice needs you at protests, and needs you to be registered to vote — but it also could use your donations. There are so ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

An Open Letter to the White Food Blogger Who Just Discovered the Middle Eastern Staples That Have Kept Me Alive for the Last Two Decades

Dear White Food Blogger,I was fine with the hummus. I really was. I love hummus; so, it’s only fair that everyone should get to bask in the glory ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Questions Kevin McCallister Should Have Asked Donald Trump At The Plaza Hotel In Home Alone 2

Scene from Home Alone 2:KEVIN McCALLISTER: Excuse me, where’s the lobby?DONALD TRUMP: Down the hall and to the left.- - -Mr. Trump, if you were ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

An Interview with Jaswinder Bolina About His New Book, Of Color

- - -Jaswinder Bolina is the author of Of Color (June 30, 2020, McSweeney’s). Wajahat Ali says it’s an “insightful, raw, and honest collection of ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

An Industry Leader Models Advocating for Equity

To Our Shareholders —We stand up against all forms of racism that we are aware of as a company. The recent acts of racism that we have seen on cam... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

We Condemn All Institutional Racism Except Our Own

Students, Faculty, Staff, and Alumni,We feel it to be our solemn duty to make a statement about recent events before all our peer institutions bea... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Oedipus Rex or Mike Pence?

1. Uses the term “mother” interchangeably with female parent and romantic partner.2. Tasked with ending a plague.3. Not particularly good at endi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Who Remains Outside?

First-year medical studentColumbia Vagelos College of Physicians and SurgeonsNew York City, New York- - -This is part of our series, Flattened ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

If You Don’t Donate $2 to My Campaign In the Next 16 Minutes, I’ll Be Forced to Dive Head First In Front of This Rickshaw

Hello, from your local Democratic representative.I’m texting you because the situation is dire. The Republicans have got us cornered. And with jus... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Will Quam: A Brick is More Than Just a Rectangle

Photo by Squatch Media- - -Q: What is your job?A: I am a brick researcher and brick photographer. It’s sort of a subset of being an architecture... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: Atrocities 546-759

This is the sixth in a series of lists. For a listing of all the atrocities in one place, go here.Register to vote here.- - -Early in President ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing (So Far): Atrocities 1-759

To be read before the 2020 Presidential Election. Register to vote here.- - -ATROCITY KEY – Sexual Misconduct, Harassment, & Bullying – Whi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

In Retrospect, Wait-Listing You Was a Huge Mistake

Dear Bryan,Congratulations! We are so pleased to offer you admission to our class of 2024. We cannot express how excited we are to have you on cam... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Amateur Activist Humblebrags

I learned more from the film 13th than I did from the entire African Diaspora curriculum at NYU.I’ll have to spend a whole day by my pool just to ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Facial Hair Amongst the Liberal Elite

ALEXANDRA: I think it’s time, Michael.MICHAEL: Time we recognize Juneteenth as a national holiday? I agree, but how do we do that without it becom... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I’m the Guy Setting Off Fireworks Every Night In Your Neighborhood and I Have You Right Where I Want You

“From New York to Los Angeles to Hartford, Conn., complaints and reports about fireworks have ballooned over the last month.” — Time, 6/19/20- - -... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

CribbNotes: Study Guides for Bedtime Classics

The Cat in the Hat A manic eight-foot-tall cat cons its way into our narrator’s home and, through rhyming and whimsey, reveals to young readers h... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Better, More Vulnerable Surgeons

Cardiac Surgery ResidentHospital of the University of PennsylvaniaPhiladelphia, PA- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, whic... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Modern When Harry Met Sally Interludes

SPOUSE 1: Our first date was at this amazing little wine bar.SPOUSE 2: We start talking and it turns out that we both love all the same classic TV... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Dads of America, As Explained By Their Pants

Relaxed-fit jeans: Has answered the phone “Yello!” for 40+ yearsWrangler jeans: Offered you sips of his Lone Star beer when you were sixAthletic ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Pitchfork Reviews Your Dad’s Latest Diatribe

Back with his first full-length effort since 2018’s Sriracha, You Didn’t Say it Was THAT Spicy, Dad returns to interrogate his familiar themes of ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Dad Jokes Ruined By the Global Pandemic

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! I guess that’s social distancing for you. Good man, that scarecrow.Di... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

7 PM

Medical StudentColumbia University Irving Medical CenterNew York, NY- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I Am the Dad Who Installed Lava in the Rumpus Room Floor

First of all, thanks for being here on pretty short notice. I thought the controversy would have blown over by now, but it hasn’t, and I want to pu... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

The LSAT Gets a Makeover

Designers of the Law School Admissions Test are responding to requests to make the exam more relevant to our current times. As such, we are spendin... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Alright, Fine, I’ll Add a Disclaimer to My Emails

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This email does not create an attorney-client relationship. Probably. If it does, it will have said it does. Although it coul... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Celebrating the Hilarious Work of Brian Agler

Dear Readers,First of all, apologies: This letter is not as good as it could be; we’ll explain why later.Today we have the difficult task of shar... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Anti-Racism Resources From Your Usually Very Funny But Now Exhausted Black Friend

Hey, white folks! It’s your friendly, neighborhood black friend here. While you’re out there trying to change your birth certificate to “The Artist... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

An Open Letter to the Class of 2020 From a Dad Who Deserves Sympathy Too

Dear Class of 2020,I’ve heard you missed a lot because your spring semester was canceled. Though, like most dads, I’ve heard that I’m not the best... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

There is Always One Patient That Will Get to You

Second-year ER ResidentNew York- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the voices of doctors, nurses, healthcare ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Championship Net

- - -My high school had strict athletic requirements that I spent significant energy trying to work around. Winter sports were the most challengin... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Just Because They’ve Turned Against Humanity Doesn’t Mean We Should Defund the Terminator Program

“Following weeks of national protests since the death of George Floyd, President Donald Trump has signed an executive order he said would encourag... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

An Excerpt from Natasha Marin’s Black Imagination

- - -Natasha Marin’s Black Imagination (McSweeney’s, 2020) is a dynamic collection of Black voices. The book works like an incantation of origin, ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Murder Mystery or a Career in Academia?

1. Beautiful old building sucks you in.2. Why don’t these lights work?3. Oh yeah, it’s a trap.4. One by one, everyone is picked off.5. The vuln... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Living the Dream

Emergency PhysicianNew York Presbyterian, New York (temporary April & May 2020)San Francisco General Hospital & Stanford University, S... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I Am an Emerging Writer and My Abdomen Is Filled With Fluids

I’m an emerging writer, and the past few hours have been confusing, liberating, and tremendously itchy. I’m frightened and coated in a strange, gel... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

From This Moment Forward, I Will Only Accept Gratitude in the Form of Jet Flyovers

Listen, everyone. I’m a generous person. I care about others and I enjoy doing favors. But just a heads-up: from this point forward, I will only be... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

An Interview with Mike Birbiglia and J. Hope Stein About Their Book, The New One

In 2016, comedian Mike Birbiglia and poet J. Hope Stein took their 14-month-old daughter, Oona, to the Nantucket Film Festival. When the festival d... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

An Open Letter to the College Roommate I’ve Barely Spoken to Since Freshman Year Who Keeps Referring to Me as His Black Friend

Hey Bret,It’s been a while since freshman year, hasn’t it? Feels like just yesterday.I need to address a matter of concern that I have noticed on... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Cognitive Dissonance

Trauma and Critical Care SurgeonAssistant Professor and Director Center for Humanism and Ethics in Surgical SpecialtiesWashington University i... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago