I’m So Sorry You Had to Share the Same Space as Me and My Toddler

I’m so sorry; I didn’t mean to take up this much room on the sidewalk. I am obviously less than six feet away from you! Our stroller is enormous, ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

That Word Does Not Mean What You Think It Means

“Rayshard Brooks, 27, was shot in the parking lot of a Wendy’s in southeast Atlanta Friday night, after he scuffled with officers and allegedly ra... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

“We’re Tearing It All Down for Scrap Metal”: A Letter from the Chancellor Regarding Budget Cuts and Restructuring

Students, Faculty, and Staff:As you may already know, the university is searching for ways to restructure in the wake of funding losses from the o... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Are You a Landlord or Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide”?

1. Snow-covered hills are:A) The responsibility of the tenant. All maintenance under $25 is to be performed by the occupant, and last I checked, I... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Knot Fine

Child, Adolescent and Adult PsychiatristAssistant Professor in Clinical PsychiatryMedstar Georgetown University Hospital, Washington, DC- - ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Facepalm Pilot: Where Technology Meets Stupidity: An Interactive Guide to Ambiguous Grammar

Depending on whom you ask, the use of the active voice over the passive is arguably the most fundamental writer’s maxim, thought to lend we... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

A Note from Your University

Dear Students, Faculty, and Staff —After careful deliberation, we are pleased to report we can finally announce that we plan to re-open campus thi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Imagine if Hillary fired her cabinet officials via Twitter and then replaced them with members of a Fleetwood Mac tribute band and they played all ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

A University President Suggests to Dipping into the Endowment

To the esteemed members of our faculty and staff,First of all, let me say that I sincerely hope you are all safe and healthy during this trying ti... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Sure, the Velociraptors Are Still on the Loose, but We Can Reopen Jurassic Park

“Trump is shrugging off warnings by scientists that the easing restrictions taking place across the country could cause tens of thousands of death... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Emails from my children’s school before 8:00AM during the Covid-19 crisis

Monday, April 27, 2020, 6:00 AMGood morning! This is an email to let you know that we will be sending another email later this afternoon. That em... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Working from Home During a Global Pandemic Bingo

Working From Home During a Global Pandemic Bingo | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Signs You May Be a Female Character in a Work of Historical Fiction

Your name is Sarah.A stranger has walked up to you, explained how a system of transportation works, and left before you could further converse wit... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Imagined Monologues: Richard Dawkins Speaks of Santa at Kindergarten Talk (2006)

From an early point in your infancy, you people have been done a great injustice. Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas—the names may differ ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I’m Going to Close This Deal Using Business Words I Heard Men Yell in Airports

This is our 6th most-read article of 2018.- - -Thanks for hopping on this call today, gentleman. Who just joined? Did someone just join? I only h... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Translation of a NY Times Real Estate Article for Those Without a Trust Fund

When Guy Partnerman and Lady Millionaire purchased a brownstone in the most Brooklyn-themed neighborhood of Brooklyn, there was only one drawback: ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I Am the Final Question on Your Calculus Exam

Stop screaming. You aren’t screaming out loud, but your eyes are screaming. The screams reverberating around the inside of your skull are making yo... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

People Are Flushing Toilets 10 Times, 15 Times

We’re doing things. The lightbulb: They got rid of the lightbulb that people got used to. The new bulb is many times more expensive. And I hate ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I’m a Patagonia Vest Warrior Who Conquers Digital Mountains of XL Spreadsheet

I wake up knowing I will have to conquer yet another digital mountain. So I go to my closet, pull out my gear, and zip up my Patagonia vest. I am r... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Ever Want to See Your Grandchild Again? Subscribe to Our New Streaming Network

Dear grandmas, grandpas, and assorted other family and friends:Our little Gracie is growing so fast, it would be a shame if you missed any moment ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

The Ten Commandments of Workism

I. I am the Lord thy Job, who brought thee out of the land of unemployment, out of the house of bondage to thy parents. Thou shalt not have family... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Put Aside Your Purity Politics and Embrace My Feckless Centrism

As the 2020 presidential election draws closer, it’s more important than ever for Democrats to put aside their differences to unite around my feckl... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

My Maximalist Lifehacks

I record and optimize everything. If I have a thought or an emotion, or if my vital signs change, it goes in my journal.I work in quick, 3-hour bu... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

“Warren Zevon's 'Werewolves of London'” by James Joyce

1The shaggy, hunched Werewolf of London stalked the Soho street in the rain, carrying in his left hand a neatly folded Chinese menu pale as birch ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Matreon: The Patreon Platform for Emotional Labor

Dear Guy Who Can’t Read The Room:Hello and thank you for attempting to engage in an unsolicited conversation with me! In order to ensure our inter... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

My Biggest Regrets About Retiring at 24

If you’re in your mid-20s and anything like me, you’ve accumulated several dozen million dollars and are wondering whether you should keep working ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

To Improve Our University We Must Move Human Waste into Your Offices

I am writing to you as the Vice Provost for Strategic Planning, Performance, Accountability, Decision Making, and Talent Recruitment, with an impor... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Monty Python for Millennials

CUSTOMER: This content is dead.SHOPKEEPER: No it’s not, it’s resting.CUSTOMER: Resting? Now look here, I clicked on this content not two minutes ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

J.D. Salinger’s Spider-Man

— 1 —IF YOU WANT TO HEAR about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Our Open-Plan Office Failed, So We’re Moving to a Towering Panopticon

Dear Bubble App Team Members,Good news! In response to your “concerns” about our current open-plan creative campus, we are pleased to announce our... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

How to Chair an Academic Committee

1. Set the agenda during the meeting; allow it to develop. Have members throw ideas into the ring to see what seems important.2. Distribute reams ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

I Am Amazon Cog #257 and I Love My Job Here at Amazon.com

“I suffer from depression too, and at one point I wanted to quit Amazon. But I realized it was my fault for the problems I was dealing with, and no... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

List: Attending Burning Man or Parenting a Toddler?

1. You never shower without an audience.2. The person who refused to wear sunscreen or drink water is now having a meltdown, and it’s your job to ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Every NIMBY’s Speech at a Public Hearing

Friends, neighbors, it’s good to see all of you. I know you, you know me, and just seeing all of your faces at this city council meeting reminds m... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Summary of Benefits and Coverage for Your New Garbage Health Insurance

Hello, and thank you for choosing Garbage Health Insurance. Or, if you are receiving coverage through your employer, thank you for having Garbage H... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

No Son of Mine Is Going to Be a Benthamite Utilitarian

Son, can we talk for a second?As you know, your mother and I have worked hard to make this a good, clean, utilitarian household — a home that foll... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Critically Acclaimed Horror Film of the 2010s or Your PhD Program?

1. You encounter a strange, cult-like group that lives in almost total isolation from the outside world. They jealously guard their arcane knowledg... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

We Can't Impeach One of the Most Unpopular and Corrupt Presidents Ever and Risk Alienating the Racist Voters Who'd Never Vote for Us Anyway

Folks, we’ve heard your demands for the immediate impeachment of President Donald Trump and we totally understand where you’re coming from. You thi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Folks, we’ve heard your demands for the immediate impeachment of President Donald Trump and we totally understand where you’re coming from. You thi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

My New Meditation App Makes Me Feel SO Much Better Than You

Good morning! I cannot even describe to you how much meditation has changed my life, but obviously, I will. My mind used to be so trapped in reacti... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

In Order to Become More Competitive We've Decided To Make Your Job Worse

Thank you for coming to this all-hands meeting, which I invited you to via a series of coy emails with subjects like “It’s Big Ideas Time” in an at... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Signs your bra may be the wrong size or a snake

Are your bra straps constantly sliding off your shoulders? Do they then slither down your arms and swiftly disappear into the silent cornfield, nev... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

My Journey to Self-Love, Sponsored by the J.M. Smucker Company

Two years ago, I was at an all-time low.Sure, I had everything on paper: the dream job, a loving partner, a gorgeous little apartment just a half-... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Folks, we’ve heard your demands for the immediate impeachment of President Donald Trump and we totally understand where you’re coming from. You thi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

An Ad Targeted at Millennials

Hey you! Look at this sleek piece of branding. This is an ad for a millennial-focused, direct-to-consumer product. Now, you’re going to look at it,... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Moderately Motivated Gen-Xer for Hire

40-something professional seeks opportunity in an environment that is neither “fun,” “playful,” nor “collaborative;” minimal responsibility preferr... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Welcome to Our Baby’s Personal Brand Reveal Party

We’re so glad you could make it! Brad and I couldn’t be more thrilled to welcome our precious little content-generator into the world and see what ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Jon Snow Emails 23andMe About His DNA Results

To: customercare@23andme.comFrom: jonsnow@raven.comSubject: question about my DNA results???Hi,I just received my 23andMe DNA results and I’m n... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago